Coaching the Uncoachable June 9, 2007
As someone who regularly coaches professionally I read with interest Seth Godin’s discussion on coaching the uncoachable. While I agree with his point, one of the main presuppositions in the post is just plain wrong.
He describes some of the symptoms of uncoachability and almost all of them imply that coaching is about the coach, when in facts it’s really about the person being coached. These symptoms also point to failures within the relationship between the coach and coachee.
* Challenging the credentials of the coach
This is a requirement. Of course, the challenge should be in regards to understanding how the coach can help your performance, not as a methods of discrediting their suggestions.
* Announcing that you’re being unfairly singled out
If a coach offers you a suggestion, you are being singled out. The coach (we hope) is professional enough to see in your behaviour things that can be improved or modified. It makes very little sense for the coach to single someone else out for your mistake.
* Pointing out, angrily, that the last few times, the coach was wrong
Yep, the coach may have been wrong in the past, and may be wrong now. It’s not about the coach, it’s about you.
* Identifying others who have succeeded without ever being coached
Yep. Those other people are not you. If your results are as good, or better than the person you identify, then we can discuss this further.
* Resisting a path merely because it was one identified by a coach
This is just ridiculous behaviour. The coach is there for your benefit, your improvement or the benefit of your team. If you want to act like a two year old child, is it any wonder that the coach begins to treat you like one. This, of course, just increases the difficulty and tension felt by both parties. Luckily, this behaviour is very easy to deal with by a competent coach.
Does this mean you roll over and do whatever the coach says? Of course not. It does mean you have to stop treating the coach like a parent and more like a peer. While this might cause different conflicts with your coach for a time, a professional coach will (should!) be able to modify their own behaviour to match.
Candor, Honesty and Truth June 8, 2007
Honesty is the best policy. This is repeated over and over again. You might have even said it yourself. Some people live up to that ideal. Most people are honest - handing in a found wallet or correcting a cashier after getting too much change for example.
Yet when we get to direct interpersonal communications, that policy starts to fracture a little. We have all told a little white lie. The specific times and places to use these lies are learned, and makes perfect sense. Telling the truth is sometimes detrimental to the immediate situation, we might have to spend an hour explaining our answer. An honest answer might also harm someone’s feelings and damage the long term relationship. Sometimes what we consider as honest other people consider offensive or insulting.
Often I hear the excuse for not telling the whole truth as a loss of face, or fear of ridicule. Either for the person being honest, or the receiver of that honesty. This is part of the reason why anonymous feedback works; You are much more able to speak your mind when there is no involvement of your identitiy. Even when that honesty is directly asked for, it’s often watered down.
Jack Welch calls this honesty candor. He believes, and is correct, that it builds a strong team, that it advances and improves relationships. Everyone being able to speak their mind and offer suggestions is critical to business success.
Just think for a moment about any TV soap you might have seen. Most of the angst and interpersonal conflict with the characters would be non-existant if they were honest. Although that doesn’t make for very good or suspense filled TV.
So to continue this blog containing useful how to skills transfer, here are a few ideas on how to be honest and building honest relationships.
1. Build the environment to be honest by being consistent with your approach. Coming right out and being completely honest, when it’s unexpected, is a shock. If you are known for your honesty, the people around you will expect it, and be ready for it.
2. Start small. When someone asks you what you want to eat, tell them. If someone asks for suggestions, give them one. It doesn’t have to be a long and involved answer, but avoiding the question, or answering “I don’t know” does not foster an honest environment.
3. Be completely open and state your fears and concerns first. Start with a statement like “I need to tell you something, and I’m not sure how you’ll take it. I’m scared that what I have to say will damage our relationship, but I feel it’s important enough, and our relationship strong enough, to tell you.”
4. Lead them into the realisation or idea you want to get across. You can do this by turning your honest statement into a question. “Have you thought about …” or “How would you deal with a situation like …”.
5. Ask for others honesty and reward them immediately when you get it. This reward might be nothing more than a warm smile and a thankyou. Every time you receive honest comments or feedback, encourage the speaker. Over time this will give them the confidence that they can be honest with you. This also fosters the relationship in such a way that you can be honest with them.
What other ways can you suggest to improve your ability to be honest?