People communicate every day with themselves. With their own beliefs, ideas, values, maps.

You might have had the experience of asking someone a simple and innocuous question and receiving an angry, unexpected or strange answer. Almost as if they are having a completely different conversation.

I remember one time when I was running late for a train. I asked the time from tall fellow that was standing on the platform. He didn’t give me the time, but instead angrily swore at me and then turned away.

Every day we face the challenge of overcoming our own perceptions and communicating directly with, rather than what we expect or imagine about the person in front of us. This can be hard at times, especially with the people we know well already.

Every human being is unique and special and interesting. Every human being has value (even that guy on the station). Some of the ways to help you break through your own perceptions:

1. Look or listen for what has changed or different since last time you talked to the person. This might be noticing their clothing, or hair. Maybe they were recovering from the flu last time.
2. It is your responsibility to make sure the other person understands what you mean to say. Assume that the meaning of your communication is the response you get. In other words, if someone acts offended to something you said, treat the situation as if you did offended them.
3. Use active listening skills.
4. Put down the paper, step away from your email or stop doing other things and give the other person your full attention.
5. Match the other persons ‘energy’ or ‘vibe’. If they are happy, be happy. If they are excited, match their excitement. If they are unhappy, sympthasize.
6. Apologise when you make mistakes.
7. Accept their statements as true. Everyone has the right to their own feelings.
8. Stop interrupting and allow them to finish what they mean to say.
9. Use the methods for [1] shutting off your own internal dialogue. Sometimes we are having a conversation in our own mind while waiting for the other person to stop speaking.
10. Similar to #4, set aside your personal history. If you are having a bad day, accept your emotions and don’t allow them to affect the communication. That’s not to say you should ignore past experiences, or what you are feeling - by all means take these into account. Instead be aware of how these changes affect your communications now.
11. Listen to other peoples opinion, but make up your own through direct experience.
12. Examine the entire situation. This person is just one person within the whole world. Who are their friends, who are they connected to? What has been happening in their life?
13. Imagine them wearing different clothes, or with a different haircut. As the saying goes, the clothes don’t make the man but they do change your attitudes to the man.
14. Understand your position of power. What is your relationship to this person - boss, child, employee, friend etc? Different power roles naturally changes your perceptions of others. Being aware of this can help you understand both your own and the other persons behaviour.

What other methods to you use?

Technorati Tags: [2] Business, [3] Communication, [4] Learning, [5] Persuasion, [6] Psychology