Meaning and belief October 29, 2009
Events have no meaning in themselves.
Imagine you’ve planned a huge party. You’ve planned the food, layed out the tables and drinks on your lawn. Put up streamers and lights preparing for a big night. The sun is high as people arrive. Soon the party is rocking, everyone enjoying themselves. Suddenly, within minutes the wind picks up. Dark clouds gather and rain begins to fall. How do you feel about the rain?
As a seporate example, imagine you are sitting at home reading a book. Outside is a cold winters day, but inside is warm and cosy. You’ve just got yourself a nice warm beverage. Suddenly, within minutes the wind picks up. Dark clouds gather and rain begins to fall, spattering the windows. How do you feel about the rain?
As a third example, imagine you are a farmer and your farm has been in drout for the past three years. You’re walking through a dusty field and suddenly, within minutes the wind picks up. Dark clouds gather and rain begins to fall. How do you feel about the rain?
The rain itself is the same, the surrounding events different. All that really makes the difference is not the rain, but the meaning you attribute to that rain.
Beliefs are like this as well. Because of a belief we attribute specific meaning to events.
How to improve your lie-detection October 22, 2009
From my previous post, I forgot to mention one of the most important aspects needed to improve! (and not just lie-detection either)
That aspect is feedback. It’s all well and good to think you caught a hint that something was wrong. It’s another thing entirely to follow up and find out if it is/was misunderstanding, exaggeration or mistake.
You may think you’re the best person at detecting lies, but unless you follow up to confirm your suspicions, you’re just lying to yourself. Think of poker players, they have to first spot, then test that the tells are consistent.
So what are some of the ways you can get feedback? As I discussed, outright asking won’t help. One of the best methods I know of and use is to write down my suspicions. Write out what they did and said, and what you thought was going on. You can refer back to this in a few months time after the situation has changed. You can ask someone about it at that time as well, as usually the overall situation has changed and they won’t mind telling you what was happening. Often new information will come to light just over that time.
A good example of this was many years ago when I was working as a consultant. One of my clients was a single older female who wore a lot of jewelry. Many rings, often multiple on each finger, bracelets and necklaces.
This went on for many months, until one day she came into work wearing just as many necklaces and bracelets, but a single very simple ring. Instantly this change got my attention. I made a joking, exploring comment along the lines of “Anything special happen on the weekend?” And she replied with a no.
So I made a note. Described the behaviour, and that I thought she had gotten engaged. A few weeks later I got confirmation that indeed she was engaged.
If you do this and discover that you’re wrong, this is much better feedback that if you’re right. And this is the main reason I write down what happened as wel as what I thought. It means I can adjust my thoughts next time I see that same behaviour. Being right means you’re right. Being wrong means you’re learning. But only if you make that effort.
Today is the day… October 15, 2009
Stressed and under pressure?
Take a breath and put to one side all that stress and pressure that you’re under. We’ll come back to it soon enough.
Now we’ve got a break, let’s ask a few questions to give us some perspective.
What is your outcome from work?
Two years ago, where did you want to be?
Two years ago, what did you want to be doing?
Two years ago, who did you want to be?
What do you want to achieve right now?
What do you want to achieve in two years?
What do you want to be doing in 2 years?
Who do you want to be doing it with?
Who do you want to be?
If you could do whatever you want without failure, what would you do?
What would you be doing if it didn’t mean anything about who you are?
What would you do if it was ok to fail?
How would you know when you achieved your outcome?
How would the people around you get tangible benefit?
Take another breath.
Decide now if you want to pick up that stress, that will sit and wait for you indefinitely, or if you want to do something else. Be something else?
Are you good at telling lies? Are you good at noticing them? October 1, 2009
Recently the TV series “Lie To Me” started it’s second season. A show detailing the adventures of a human lie detector. And throughout the show, they offered hints on how to tell if someone is lying. Hints like micro-expressions, word choice, body movements, gestures and more. All very interesting.
Unfortunately, even with hints like that, even people you’d think would be good at lie detection – psychologists, poker players, actors – are no better than you.
When most people talk about lie detection, they consider things like a cheating husband, or thief claiming innocence. It is however very useful in everyday life. For example, have you ever had the experience where you asked someone for a favour and they flaked on you? How useful would it be to know when you ask for that favour you know they don’t express the whole truth when they say ‘yes’?
Other examples are when you talk to your boss about your raise, or when you ask a client if there is anything else you can help them with, or when you as a friend if they liked the cake you baked?
Maybe with that last example you’d rather not know…
Either way, lie detection is a science, and can be learnt. It’s also an art, but that too can be learnt.
So here are a few hints and tips for lie detection:
Be aware of the behaviours in front of you - How the person holds their hands, blinks, breathes, where they look, how long they pause. It all relates to their internal state.
Be aware of dramatic changes in those behaviours such as holding their breath, reduced or increased blink rate, faster or slower speech etc. These all relate to this individual, at this time, only. Tomorrow they might well be the opposite.
Listen, all the time – Verbal pacing, word choice, incessant talking, pauses (or lack of). They all give you hints of what’s going on internally for this person.
Look for anomalies - hands and eyes pointing in different directions. Saying yes and shaking their head no. Blink or look away.
Ask the right questions – Asking ‘are you lying?’ will (almost) always get a congruent no. Asking ‘is there anything else you want to tell me?’ may also get a no, but might also show some of the other hints above.
After a while, you might discover that someone ‘always’ covers their mouth when they lie, or that they ‘always’ look you right in the eye. You might also discover that there is no common element with someone else. Understand how someone lies is deeply personal and varies depending on the lie, context, environment, pressure they feel and many other variables.
In the end, once you know someone just lied to you, withheld some information, or just exaggerated the truth, what you do next is up to you.