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How to improve your lie-detection October 22, 2009

From my previous post, I forgot to mention one of the most important aspects needed to improve! (and not just lie-detection either)

That aspect is feedback. It’s all well and good to think you caught a hint that something was wrong. It’s another thing entirely to follow up and find out if it is/was misunderstanding, exaggeration or mistake.

You may think you’re the best person at detecting lies, but unless you follow up to confirm your suspicions, you’re just lying to yourself. Think of poker players, they have to first spot, then test that the tells are consistent.

So what are some of the ways you can get feedback? As I discussed, outright asking won’t help. One of the best methods I know of and use is to write down my suspicions. Write out what they did and said, and what you thought was going on. You can refer back to this in a few months time after the situation has changed. You can ask someone about it at that time as well, as usually the overall situation has changed and they won’t mind telling you what was happening. Often new information will come to light just over that time.

A good example of this was many years ago when I was working as a consultant. One of my clients was a single older female who wore a lot of jewelry. Many rings, often multiple on each finger, bracelets and necklaces.

This went on for many months, until one day she came into work wearing just as many necklaces and bracelets, but a single very simple ring. Instantly this change got my attention. I made a joking, exploring comment along the lines of “Anything special happen on the weekend?” And she replied with a no.

So I made a note. Described the behaviour, and that I thought she had gotten engaged. A few weeks later I got confirmation that indeed she was engaged.

If you do this and discover that you’re wrong, this is much better feedback that if you’re right. And this is the main reason I write down what happened as wel as what I thought. It means I can adjust my thoughts next time I see that same behaviour. Being right means you’re right. Being wrong means you’re learning. But only if you make that effort.

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