The 8 keys to giving powerful feedback that gets listened to March 5, 2007
Some call it criticism, comment, praise, judgment, evaluation, and even just opinion. I prefer the word feedback. Giving feedback in the right way empowers yourself and those around you. Giving feedback in the wrong way destroys relationships and damages your credibility. As I often say I’m a glutton for feedback, unfortunately not everyone treats feedback as highly as I do. The reason I think this is the case is because many people don’t know how to give feedback in the right way so as not to offend, upset or otherwise antagonise the listener.
Many conflicts and arguments are started because feedback was offered in an inappropriate way. This might be at the wrong time or in the wrong tone of voice. Just think of your own experience when you were offered criticism you didn’t ask for. In a perfect world, we could give, and be able to receive any and all types of feedback without getting upset. Unfortunately, we all have a way to go.
There are eight steps to be aware of when you offer feedback.
1. The first is timing. When do you offer feedback? Praise (something I consider different than feedback) is best done immediately after the behaviour or event so there is a strong connection. In most cases, when offering anything more than praise it is best to wait some time before offering feedback. This time can vary, but I usually say about 24 hours is ideal. Whatever the timing, quite often the best time is when you ask “can I give you some feedback?”
2. Before you start giving feedback, ask yourself what is the intent of giving the feedback. If your answer is anything other than to help them get better, keep the feedback to yourself. Sometimes we only give feedback to lay blame, get noticed or shift responsibility. Giving feedback with ulterior motives damages your credibility, and your listener almost always knows you have an ulterior motive.
3. There is a very old method of dealing with ‘negative’ feedback (I don’t believe any feedback is negative or positive – it is all information for you to use or ignore). This old method says to ’sandwich’ the ‘negative’ with two positive statements either side. While this was good advice, almost everyone expects this format. If you have ever offered someone a single piece of ‘positive’ feedback as was met with the response “…but?” or “…yes…and?” you will know what I mean. The method I use and teach is to give the feedback that might be taken as negative first, then give the ‘positive’. This does two things, gives them the information they need to get much better, and leaves them on a high note.
4. When you do put the feedback into words, make sure it is known to be your own opinion, and not universal truth. So I might say “I think …” or “In my opinion”. While not everyone needs to know that your words are your opinion, some will assume they are, and others will assume a personal attack. (I might expand on why this is at a later time, and how you can tell who you are talking to just by looking at them).
5. At all times focus on the person’s specific behaviours and never the person. Consider the difference between “You are wrong” and “The information you provided has been proved wrong”. This is one of the most common errors in giving feedback. Most people have a very difficult time receiving feedback about their identity, so focus on their behaviours only.
6. When you focus on the behaviour, describe the behaviour as explicitly as possible. For example: “You made me very upset” tells the listener very little about their behaviour. “When you ignored my question, you made me very upset” give then listener a specific behavioural event to focus on. When you discuss the behaviour, talk in sensory based terms. In other words, if someone who didn’t see the behaviour is able to know what you saw and heard, then it is sensory based. Compare: “You looked angry” is not sensory based while “You frowned, closed your eyes to slits, furrowed your brow and spoke with a raised voice” is.
7. Your feedback can also include an action step. This is offering a possible behavioural alternative, an exercise, book or other training material that would assist in getting better results or overcoming the challenge.
8. Once you offer the feedback, let the issue go. If you continue to raise old failures you risk an antagonistic and offensive response. Think of feedback like giving a gift. Once you hand it over, feel good, and let the receiver do with it what they will.
To summarise, the steps are:
1. Find the best time to offer the feedback
2. Become aware of your own intent
3. Use a proven format.
4. State your words are your own opinion
5. Give feedback on behaviour
6. Describe the behaviour in sensory based terms
7. Give an additional action step
8. Let go of the feedback
And the goal, I hope, is that we all offer feedback as a way to improve ourselves (use these steps when giving yourself feedback!), the people around us, and our relationships.
And to help me get better – send me feedback, either via the comments, or email!
Technorati Tags: Business, Change, Communication, Leadership, Learning, Management, Psychology
How to build Self Confidence Part 2 February 18, 2007
This is the second part of how to build self confidence. You can find the first part here.
2. Proclaim your achievements
We can successfully do so many things. We too are great achievers. But part of the society we live in teaches us to brood over our failures and make our lives miserable. If we proclaim our success to everyone we meet, we are branded egotistical, self centered, or worse. Unfortunately this means we don’t proclaim our achievements, even to ourselves.
Society has also taught us that our failures are pointed out much more than success. When we were back in school, if we spelt a word correctly, we might have a tick. If we spelt it wrong we always got a cross. At work, if we do what is required we might receive a thankyou, if we don’t we get told about it every time.
Both of these reasons are why we need to support ourselves by focusing on our achievements much more than our failures.
And the easiest and most effective way to do this is every time we do something positive, good or worthwhile is to give ourselves encouragement. This doesn’t have to be at the end of a long achievement either. Sincerely congratulating yourself for starting to do your tax helps, for example. This positive re-enforcement when you make positive gains towards your goals works wonders and builds, little by little, our self confidence.
3. Feel good about yourself
No one can make us feel inferior without our permission. To boost our self-confidence first of all we must feel good about ourselves. To believe that we are a worthwhile being. The secret of all successful and happy living is to love oneself first.
When I am unhappy with myself I see unhappiness everywhere and I make all those around me unhappy. I must accept myself and feel good about the way I am, the way I look, my size, my shape, and my abilities.
So how do we feel good about ourselves? Through doing another exercise. When I offer the exercise to clients they laugh and say that would never work for them. Yet every time they have done the exercise, vast improvement has been made. Are you skeptical enough to do the exercise every day for a week? The exercise is very simple. Give yourself 5 compliments a day. They might be all in the morning, all 5 at night before bed, or spread through the day. It doesn’t matter about the type of compliment, or what it’s about. They do have to be about you, and sincere. Do the exercise and I promise your self-confidence will grow.
4. Find challenging goals
I’m a big believer in goals. Goals can do miracles in our lives. Greater the goals greater is our self-confidence. We should have both small goals and big goals. The achievement of small goals will give us enthusiasm and self-confidence to keep moving towards bigger and more challenging goals.
If we pick a goal that is too far outside our comfort zone, not only will we be unlikely to achieve the goal, but our self-confidence is disrupted. If the goal we set is too easy, while we are likely to achieve the goal, our self-confidence doesn’t improve.
Every time you achieve a small or large goal, congratulate yourself. Positive re-enforcement works much better than negative re-enforcement. I’ve talked about goals before here.
5. Add in commitment and passion
Our self-confidence depends on the degree of our commitment to a goal. If we are mediocre and half-hearted the result will be the same. Being able to commit ourselves to success and become passionate
about what we do, helps us dramatically. This passion and commitment also builds our self-confidence. When we have commitment and passion, backed up by knowledge and skills we become more self-confident. This in turn supports our commitment and passion.
So the bottom line, use these skills to improve your self confidence and you will indeed do miracles.
Technorati Tags: Business, CEO, Change, Goalsetting, Leadership, Management, Motivation, Persuasion, Presenting, Psychology, Self-Confidence
How to build Self Confidence Part 1 February 11, 2007
“Self-confidence gives you courage and extends your reach. It lets you take greater risks and achieve far more than you ever thought possible.”
~ Jack Welch
There is a common element in all individuals that get things done. That element is self-confidence. It enhances all our abilities to take greater risks and achieve more. Self-confidence extends your reach and makes you perform miracles.
Self-confidence is our attitude which gives us a positive views about ourselves. It helps us to trust our abilities and believe that we can achieve what we want.
Self-confident people have realistic expectations of themselves and others. Even if sometimes some of these expectations are not met we remain positive, accept ourselves and look optimistically to conquer
obstacles.
We feel good about ourselves even when others don’t appreciate and acknowledge our efforts. We don’t long for the approval of others, although getting approval still makes us feel good when it comes.
Self-confidence is contagious. Self-confident people instill similar confidence in others and at the same time gain the confidence of others.
Our self confidence is expressed in our behaviour, body language, the way we dress, talk, look, walk, what we say and think. Being self confident we are able to overcome out fears, accept the truth and live happy lives. That’s not to say bad things don’t happen, they do, but being self confident we know that we can overcome, survive and thrive.
The signs of low self confidence are feeling of guilt, skepticism, pride, fear, pretension, laziness, depression, pessimism, procrastination, doubt, and jealousy. A lack of self confidence will also come through our behaviour, for everyone to see.
Thankfully, there are ways to build our self confidence.
1. Have faith in yourself
Our self confidence increases when we believe in our abilities to perform. When we start a new endeveour, a new business or a new job, or in times of crisis there is always a concern about our abilities to perform. At those times we seem to forget our innumerable talents.
So how do you get faith? Faith is another way to describe unshakeable belief. The first step in gaining that unwavering belief in your abilities is to identify what our abilities are. So list them out – all of them. When I ask others to do this, they draw a blank, or write two or three things down. So I’ve developed a memory jogger list to help.
What are the things you enjoy doing?
What are the things other people tell you you are good at?
What are you good at doing?
List at least 5 natural talents that you possess.
List your qualifications.
List 5 things that you’ve done in the past that have surprised you.
What do you think is your greatest curse?
List the 5 biggest challenges in your life and how you overcame them (or continue to).
When you were half your current age, what did you enjoy doing?
When you were half your current age, what did other people say you were good at?
This list will help you re-discover your skills and abilities. Understand that every single item on this list has at least 3 other skills and abilities that are either a critical part, or associated with it. This list, every time you review or add to it builds faith in your present abilities and will boost
your self confidence.
This is a two part post. The second part which contains more methods on building your self confidence will be ready in about a few days.
Update: You can find the second part here.
Technorati Tags: Business, CEO, Change, Goalsetting, Leadership, Management, Motivation, Persuasion, Presenting, Psychology, Self-Confidence
Aiming for a stress-less year? January 8, 2007
Are you back to work after the yearly New Years break? Maybe you only took a few days off, or maybe a few weeks. I enjoyed a mostly quiet time with family and friends. I hope whatever time you had was enjoyable, relaxing and refreshing. And now that the New Year is already in full swing, it’s time to examine our goals for the coming year.
Most people already know about SMART goals: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Timely.
Though while SMART goals are great, I have a few additional questions I add when helping people set out and achieve their goals. These questions help to direct your thinking in specific ways and gathers a little more detail. Some of these questions may save you months of wasted effort and frustration, others might help you redirect from failure.
So think of your goals going forward this year and answer these questions:
1. What is your desired outcome, stated in positive terms?
2. How do you know when you have reached your desired outcome?
2.a. How do you prove to someone else that you achieved your goal? (Hint: your feelings are not a valid answer.)
2.b. Is the outcome initiated and controlled by you? If not, how can you bring it under your control?
3. In what context do you want it? When, where, with whom?
4. How will the achieving this outcome affect your life?
4.a. Will you, or anyone you know object to the results this goal achieves?
4.b. What will be added?
4.c. What will be removed?
5. What stops you from having your desired outcome already?
6. What resources do you need?
So if you have not already written down some goals to increase your health, wealth and enjoyment then now is a good time. If you already have, pull them out and answer the questions to make achieving those goals much easier.
Technorati Tags: Business, Change, Motivation, Proactiveness, Goalsetting, Stress
How to silence your internal dialogue December 11, 2006
Your infernal internal dialogue can be brought under control. You might, at this time, think that it doesn’t slow you down that much. I can assure you, unless you have control over it, it does.
Some examples of how internal dialogue hamstrings you include:
- Reading speed is doubled if you don’t internally verbalise the words you are reading.
- You are able to reach a place of Flow much easier and your Flow states are extended (one of the most common interrupter of flow states is Internal Dialogue)
- It is often a common cause of insomnia.
- It impairs your learning by distracting you from the learning environment and by stuffing whatever the current topic is into what you already know (This is not what I consider learning).
- It often increases the stress you experience.
- It serves as a powerful de-motivator. How many times have you talked yourself out of something?
There are many more examples of how your performance can improve once you stop talking to yourself. Internal dialogue has it’s place I want you to understand that. Unfortunately most of us over use our internal dialogue, at the wrong times and wrong places.
I had breakfast the other day with friends who have an 8 month old child. I was awed by the silence in her (One of the common experiences that occurs when your internal dialogue is off, is that you can sense other people’s). She was simply there, watching, learning and experiencing the world. Of course, being 8 months old, she does not yet have the capability for any dialogue, let alone internal. And after reading Kathy Sierra I decided to build this list.
So without further delay, here is a list of methods you can use to get control over this internal dialogue. When I remember or find more, I’ll add them to the list. If you have any of your own, please add them in the comments!
- Restate your internal dialogue immediately after hearing it. This brings your internal dialogue under your conscious control by breaking the pattern.
- Move the location of your internal dialogue into your voice box. Most people listen to their dialogue coming from a specific location. Often from the back of their head and off to one side. Move that location to where you physically speak from and it usually silences the chat.
- You can also extend on #2 by moving the voice to different locations for different effects. Some locations work great for motivating you, others for de-motivating. Experiment.
- Further on #2 and #3, you can externalise the voice. Set up a chair, and hear the voice coming from that chair. You can then have a proper conversation with it!
- Pick a personal mantra, then use it. “Shut the hell up” is one such mantra:-)
- Not really a method, but helps understanding. Who, when your internal dialogue is chattering away, are you speaking to?
- Using the 6-step reframing method from NLP. This method uses a signal system to set up with your unconscious mind that allows you to negotiate the times and places to turn on or off your internal alogue.
- Imagining a volume control knob. Turn up the volume of your internal dialogue, and turn it all the way down.
- If you have internal dialogue that you don’t like very much, changing the tone often helps. Turn the tone into the most seductive, most sensual voice you can imagine. How do you feel about it now?
- While rare, sometimes the voice we hear is actually another voice – a parent for example. In these cases, give the voice back to the original owner.
- Writing out the words your internal dialogue speaks often helps. Usually it runs out of things to say very quickly. With critical statements, you can also then write out counter examples stating how untrue or over generalised these statements are.
- Act. If there is something that you want to do, for example talking to a stranger, hesitation will ensure you talk yourself out of whatever action you considered. If you hear that voice, ignore it and act.
- Remember the silence. While you read this sentence, I want you to read it out loud. Half way through a word in a sentence, pause. You mind will, naturally, go on silent hold. Remember this ‘feeling’ and you can bring it back when you want by doing the same with your internal dialogue. With proper practice, you can keep that pause indefinitely.
- Wide peripheral vision. Imagine you are balancing an apple on the top of your head. Now move the apple about 2 inches back. Keep your attention on the apple. Now look at the world around you and notice your hands on the keyboard, the top of the monitor, the walls on your left and right and the other objects around you. Notice them all at the same time. Chances are your internal dialogue has quietened down.
Add your comments with your own methods for silencing the harshest of critics!
Technorati Tags: Brain, Change, Communication, Learning, Motivation, Psychology, Stress
« newer posts