Coaching the Uncoachable June 9, 2007
As someone who regularly coaches professionally I read with interest Seth Godin’s discussion on coaching the uncoachable. While I agree with his point, one of the main presuppositions in the post is just plain wrong.
He describes some of the symptoms of uncoachability and almost all of them imply that coaching is about the coach, when in facts it’s really about the person being coached. These symptoms also point to failures within the relationship between the coach and coachee.
* Challenging the credentials of the coach
This is a requirement. Of course, the challenge should be in regards to understanding how the coach can help your performance, not as a methods of discrediting their suggestions.
* Announcing that you’re being unfairly singled out
If a coach offers you a suggestion, you are being singled out. The coach (we hope) is professional enough to see in your behaviour things that can be improved or modified. It makes very little sense for the coach to single someone else out for your mistake.
* Pointing out, angrily, that the last few times, the coach was wrong
Yep, the coach may have been wrong in the past, and may be wrong now. It’s not about the coach, it’s about you.
* Identifying others who have succeeded without ever being coached
Yep. Those other people are not you. If your results are as good, or better than the person you identify, then we can discuss this further.
* Resisting a path merely because it was one identified by a coach
This is just ridiculous behaviour. The coach is there for your benefit, your improvement or the benefit of your team. If you want to act like a two year old child, is it any wonder that the coach begins to treat you like one. This, of course, just increases the difficulty and tension felt by both parties. Luckily, this behaviour is very easy to deal with by a competent coach.
Does this mean you roll over and do whatever the coach says? Of course not. It does mean you have to stop treating the coach like a parent and more like a peer. While this might cause different conflicts with your coach for a time, a professional coach will (should!) be able to modify their own behaviour to match.
Bad training gives information, good training gives skills May 29, 2007
I’ve been to many training sessions. In business and out. Most are glorified information transmission. The 8 hours I spent in the room would have been better spent with a book.
Then there are training for sales, negotiation, management, leadership that expect to transfer skills via this same method. The instructor stands in front of the class and lectures using powerpoint slides. Unfortunately a lecture is a very poor method to transfer skill (or anything else, for that matter). If you are lucky, you get a short, contrived exercise that gives you a false sense of the skill.
Even worse are these leadership and group bonding situations. They claim to improve group dynamics, yet all they do is have the group use exactly the same skills and behaviour in a different context. So if the group didn’t work in the office, chances are it’s not going to work outside.
Ideally, training requires a mix of theory combined with challenges and exercises. The theory is to transfer the “how” of the skill. The exercises designed to practice the theory, and the same time stretch the experience of the students and allow then to practice the “how”. The percentage of each needs to be managed with the outcomes of the course and current student skills.
The metaphor I like to use is: describe to someone how to ride a bike. You can read all the theory in the world, talk to BMX and Tour de France experts, and watch thousands of hours of video. Then, when you get on a bike you realise it’s not as easy as it looks. Learning how to ride a bike contains about 2 minutes of ‘theory’ (this is how you steer, this is how you go forward and stop). Then about 30 to 60 minutes of direct experience, trial and error. From then on, it’s practice.
So next time you attend a training seminar that claims to teach a skill ask yourself the question. “When I finish this training do I know how to ride a bike, or can I ride a bike?”
How to waste millions of dollars worth of skill… April 10, 2007
A fascinating article in the Washington Post. Joshua Bell, one of the worlds best violinist, combined with one of the worlds best violins, goes busking for small change.
The article is a fantastic example of how our identity can change in response to our environment. This musician easily fills concert halls. Yet in a subway his identity shifts. To quote from the article:
- “At a music hall, I’ll get upset if someone coughs or if someone’s cellphone goes off. But here, my expectations quickly diminished. I started to appreciate any acknowledgment, even a slight glance up. I was oddly grateful when someone threw in a dollar instead of change.”
So for the people rushing to get to work, he was just another starving artist. His ideas and beliefs started to change in response to the behaviour of the people walking past.
As a child prodigy, he has spent his like expecting attention and applause. Yet within the subway, his years of experience and expectation is shifted very quickly to appreciate ‘even a slight glance’.
What this means for us, as leaders and persuaders, is to be aware of the context around us. Are the people around us helping? Is the culture a barrier to success? Are we settling for ‘a slight glance’ when we want more respect and appreciation? Are we offering only ‘a slight glance’ when words of congratulations and support would improve performance?
Technorati Tags: Change, Leadership, Learning, Motivation, Persuasion, Psychology
The 8 keys to giving powerful feedback that gets listened to March 5, 2007
Some call it criticism, comment, praise, judgment, evaluation, and even just opinion. I prefer the word feedback. Giving feedback in the right way empowers yourself and those around you. Giving feedback in the wrong way destroys relationships and damages your credibility. As I often say I’m a glutton for feedback, unfortunately not everyone treats feedback as highly as I do. The reason I think this is the case is because many people don’t know how to give feedback in the right way so as not to offend, upset or otherwise antagonise the listener.
Many conflicts and arguments are started because feedback was offered in an inappropriate way. This might be at the wrong time or in the wrong tone of voice. Just think of your own experience when you were offered criticism you didn’t ask for. In a perfect world, we could give, and be able to receive any and all types of feedback without getting upset. Unfortunately, we all have a way to go.
There are eight steps to be aware of when you offer feedback.
1. The first is timing. When do you offer feedback? Praise (something I consider different than feedback) is best done immediately after the behaviour or event so there is a strong connection. In most cases, when offering anything more than praise it is best to wait some time before offering feedback. This time can vary, but I usually say about 24 hours is ideal. Whatever the timing, quite often the best time is when you ask “can I give you some feedback?”
2. Before you start giving feedback, ask yourself what is the intent of giving the feedback. If your answer is anything other than to help them get better, keep the feedback to yourself. Sometimes we only give feedback to lay blame, get noticed or shift responsibility. Giving feedback with ulterior motives damages your credibility, and your listener almost always knows you have an ulterior motive.
3. There is a very old method of dealing with ‘negative’ feedback (I don’t believe any feedback is negative or positive – it is all information for you to use or ignore). This old method says to ’sandwich’ the ‘negative’ with two positive statements either side. While this was good advice, almost everyone expects this format. If you have ever offered someone a single piece of ‘positive’ feedback as was met with the response “…but?” or “…yes…and?” you will know what I mean. The method I use and teach is to give the feedback that might be taken as negative first, then give the ‘positive’. This does two things, gives them the information they need to get much better, and leaves them on a high note.
4. When you do put the feedback into words, make sure it is known to be your own opinion, and not universal truth. So I might say “I think …” or “In my opinion”. While not everyone needs to know that your words are your opinion, some will assume they are, and others will assume a personal attack. (I might expand on why this is at a later time, and how you can tell who you are talking to just by looking at them).
5. At all times focus on the person’s specific behaviours and never the person. Consider the difference between “You are wrong” and “The information you provided has been proved wrong”. This is one of the most common errors in giving feedback. Most people have a very difficult time receiving feedback about their identity, so focus on their behaviours only.
6. When you focus on the behaviour, describe the behaviour as explicitly as possible. For example: “You made me very upset” tells the listener very little about their behaviour. “When you ignored my question, you made me very upset” give then listener a specific behavioural event to focus on. When you discuss the behaviour, talk in sensory based terms. In other words, if someone who didn’t see the behaviour is able to know what you saw and heard, then it is sensory based. Compare: “You looked angry” is not sensory based while “You frowned, closed your eyes to slits, furrowed your brow and spoke with a raised voice” is.
7. Your feedback can also include an action step. This is offering a possible behavioural alternative, an exercise, book or other training material that would assist in getting better results or overcoming the challenge.
8. Once you offer the feedback, let the issue go. If you continue to raise old failures you risk an antagonistic and offensive response. Think of feedback like giving a gift. Once you hand it over, feel good, and let the receiver do with it what they will.
To summarise, the steps are:
1. Find the best time to offer the feedback
2. Become aware of your own intent
3. Use a proven format.
4. State your words are your own opinion
5. Give feedback on behaviour
6. Describe the behaviour in sensory based terms
7. Give an additional action step
8. Let go of the feedback
And the goal, I hope, is that we all offer feedback as a way to improve ourselves (use these steps when giving yourself feedback!), the people around us, and our relationships.
And to help me get better – send me feedback, either via the comments, or email!
Technorati Tags: Business, Change, Communication, Leadership, Learning, Management, Psychology
How to silence your internal dialogue December 11, 2006
Your infernal internal dialogue can be brought under control. You might, at this time, think that it doesn’t slow you down that much. I can assure you, unless you have control over it, it does.
Some examples of how internal dialogue hamstrings you include:
- Reading speed is doubled if you don’t internally verbalise the words you are reading.
- You are able to reach a place of Flow much easier and your Flow states are extended (one of the most common interrupter of flow states is Internal Dialogue)
- It is often a common cause of insomnia.
- It impairs your learning by distracting you from the learning environment and by stuffing whatever the current topic is into what you already know (This is not what I consider learning).
- It often increases the stress you experience.
- It serves as a powerful de-motivator. How many times have you talked yourself out of something?
There are many more examples of how your performance can improve once you stop talking to yourself. Internal dialogue has it’s place I want you to understand that. Unfortunately most of us over use our internal dialogue, at the wrong times and wrong places.
I had breakfast the other day with friends who have an 8 month old child. I was awed by the silence in her (One of the common experiences that occurs when your internal dialogue is off, is that you can sense other people’s). She was simply there, watching, learning and experiencing the world. Of course, being 8 months old, she does not yet have the capability for any dialogue, let alone internal. And after reading Kathy Sierra I decided to build this list.
So without further delay, here is a list of methods you can use to get control over this internal dialogue. When I remember or find more, I’ll add them to the list. If you have any of your own, please add them in the comments!
- Restate your internal dialogue immediately after hearing it. This brings your internal dialogue under your conscious control by breaking the pattern.
- Move the location of your internal dialogue into your voice box. Most people listen to their dialogue coming from a specific location. Often from the back of their head and off to one side. Move that location to where you physically speak from and it usually silences the chat.
- You can also extend on #2 by moving the voice to different locations for different effects. Some locations work great for motivating you, others for de-motivating. Experiment.
- Further on #2 and #3, you can externalise the voice. Set up a chair, and hear the voice coming from that chair. You can then have a proper conversation with it!
- Pick a personal mantra, then use it. “Shut the hell up” is one such mantra:-)
- Not really a method, but helps understanding. Who, when your internal dialogue is chattering away, are you speaking to?
- Using the 6-step reframing method from NLP. This method uses a signal system to set up with your unconscious mind that allows you to negotiate the times and places to turn on or off your internal alogue.
- Imagining a volume control knob. Turn up the volume of your internal dialogue, and turn it all the way down.
- If you have internal dialogue that you don’t like very much, changing the tone often helps. Turn the tone into the most seductive, most sensual voice you can imagine. How do you feel about it now?
- While rare, sometimes the voice we hear is actually another voice – a parent for example. In these cases, give the voice back to the original owner.
- Writing out the words your internal dialogue speaks often helps. Usually it runs out of things to say very quickly. With critical statements, you can also then write out counter examples stating how untrue or over generalised these statements are.
- Act. If there is something that you want to do, for example talking to a stranger, hesitation will ensure you talk yourself out of whatever action you considered. If you hear that voice, ignore it and act.
- Remember the silence. While you read this sentence, I want you to read it out loud. Half way through a word in a sentence, pause. You mind will, naturally, go on silent hold. Remember this ‘feeling’ and you can bring it back when you want by doing the same with your internal dialogue. With proper practice, you can keep that pause indefinitely.
- Wide peripheral vision. Imagine you are balancing an apple on the top of your head. Now move the apple about 2 inches back. Keep your attention on the apple. Now look at the world around you and notice your hands on the keyboard, the top of the monitor, the walls on your left and right and the other objects around you. Notice them all at the same time. Chances are your internal dialogue has quietened down.
Add your comments with your own methods for silencing the harshest of critics!
Technorati Tags: Brain, Change, Communication, Learning, Motivation, Psychology, Stress
How to learn and apply new things fast. November 2, 2006
When you want to learn and apply skills fast don’t ask these questions (silently or otherwise):
“Where will this not work?”
“Is this useful for me?”
“Why am I reading/listening/watching this?”
Instead ask:
“Where can I apply this?”
“How is this useful for me?”
“How can I use this?”
“How do I apply this in my life?”
“How can I make this work for me?”
Technorati Tags: Brain, Change, Learning, Motivation, Productivity
The DNA of a company October 10, 2006
I was working with a company that was having some morale problems. The management called a meeting to let everyone know about the long term plans for the company. Prior to the meeting, the stories told by employees was that the company was being restructured to sell off. During the meeting, the lead manager (not CEO) of the meeting made comment, “There is no big secret. The changes we have gone through are not just to cut costs, but to also to make the company meaner in the marketplace.”
Sitting at the table, one of the employees actually snorted in disgust. A few others rolled their eyes. This was a clear example of the employee stories having more power than one comment from management. It would have been more effective (assuming the manager didn’t want to give more proof to the established story) if the manager told his own. Something that took the established story and changed it. Something like; “We thought seriously about selling the company, but in the end we realised that would take too much time, effort and money. Instead we decided to not just cut costs, but also make the company meaner in the marketplace.”
The DNA that is the blueprint of your body is contained within every cell. This blueprint holds your genetic heritage, and defines how your cells will develop, the way they will look, and their performance.
Stories are the DNA of a company. The stories that are told from one person to another define where the company is heading, what the culture is, how individual employees know how to respond to a situation. Handed down from the old hands to the new joiners. Think about the company DNA of Google, Apple and IBM. What is their story? Can you imagine the different stories that are told around the water cooler by employees?
How do these stories define their results? How do you know about the different stories from these two companies? Is there a difference between the stories that management tell, and the stories that employees tell?
Technorati Tags: Business, CEO, Change, Communication, Companies, Leadership, Management, Persuasion, Proactiveness, Storytelling
Three information gathering tools for negotiation and sales. August 28, 2006
As any negotiator or sales executive will tell you, information is key to good negotiating. The group with the most information is in a better position. The ultimate example of this is when you know the negotiation position of the other group.
A friend of mine invited me along to assist with one of his negotiations. It was for a fairly large contract, and included many different parts. The pair of us walk into the board room of the client, and there are three people sitting with their backs to the window that looks over the city. We go through introductions, exchange business cards, and do some friendly banter.
Once comfortable, their lead negotiator opens his leather folder. On top of the note pad, is a single typed sheet with the 5 points they want to cover during this meeting. Along with those 5 points was a short line of what they would like and their minimum requirements. And while reading upside down is not difficult, only a few people seem to know how. Spend 30 minutes and you will be able to read upside down well enough. Luckily I learned to do it in primary school when someone dared me that I couldn’t. (This behaviour of proving people wrong has benefited me more than cost, although I do have many scars when things didn’t go according to plan). I quickly noted down a few things that I read off their list before it was turned over.
Suddenly we are in a better negotiating position, knowing where their bottom line was.
Through the course of the meeting, as the conversation continued, the other team would write notes back and forth. Another skill I learnt early on was how to read what someone was writing by watching the end of their pen. As they write a word, the opposite end writes the reverse in the air. Each letter is often exaggerated thanks to the pivot point being much closer to the paper. This enables, with a little practice, the ability for someone to read what you write, without ever seeing the page.
So as the other team wrote ‘private’ notes back and forth, I would translate and pass this information on.
Needless to say, the negotiation went well.
A third skill along these lines, lip reading, is much more difficult to learn. I’ve spent some time learning, practising and talking with those that can, but with little personal success. Part of this is the ambiguity in lip movements when making a sound. Stand in front of a mirror and read your lips as you say “Olive Juice” to understand what I mean.
Technorati Tags: Business, Communication, Learning, Negotiation, Persuasion, Psychology, Sales
Change the question about your performance. August 24, 2006
From:
“Am I good?”
to:
“What am I good at?”
Or in other words, focus on your strengths.
Technorati Tags: Change, Leadership, Learning, Productivity, Psychology, Training
What you allow, you encourage July 30, 2006
Most of my work is helping in changing behaviour. Only sometimes do I help in understanding the behaviour to be changed. The behaviour you engage in is directly related to the results you get. By extension of that, the behaviour of the people around you is related to your own.
I have discussed this before. Another example is when you allow bad behaviour, you increase the chances of it happening again.
Last year, as part of of my own personal development, I worked in an outbound call centre. As an outbound call centre, they were very focused on getting sales. As long as you get sales, the managers don’t particularly care what else you do. This lead to all kinds of hi-jinx. Some of these included:
- Coming into the morning shift direct from a night club
- Signing into the phone then going shopping
- Going to a long lunch at a nearby bar and returning too drunk to walk
- Direct lies to customers to ensure a sale
Several times the team was told to stop infringements and bad behaviour, yet there was little or no other action taken. This lead to an increase in both the severity and frequency. These events didn’t happen by accident. They built up little by little over time. And with each little incident that was ignored it gave everyone else an behavioural example of what is permissible.
Technorati Tags: Brain, Business, Change, Learning, Management, Persuasion, Productivity, Psychology
« newer posts | older posts »