jump to navigation

The risks of Leadership July 3, 2007

When I was taught abseiling, the teachers drilled safety over and over again. Ensure you are always anchored, and to check all the major parts of your gear before jumping off. Go through the ABC’s. Anchor – Is your rope secured properly? Belt – Is your harness on correctly, buckle tight? Carabeena – are you tied in correctly?

The day I was learning, one person in the group, James, was learning how to train others.

During the middle of the day, after the beginners had just finished an intermittent level overhang, I watched Gary, our lead instructor, take the rope everyone had just finished using and intentionally tie a large knot about half way down. He then instructed James to tie off and begin abseiling down. James was naturally a little apprehensive. Gary had to spend several minutes convincing James that this was part of his testing.

Gary followed James down on a parallel rope. All the while James was very concerned about the knot, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to complete the jump.

As James approached the knot, he stopped about a meter above it, secured himself then began to untie the knot. Gary quickly stopped him. “That’s not the test. What happens if you can’t untie the knot, or there is some other obstruction?”

“I want you to continue all the way down, until the knot is hard against your figure 8″ (A figure 8 is the part that connects the rope to your harness).

“No,” said James. “I can’t get out from there if I do that.”

Again Gary was insistent. “Go down the rope until the knot is hard into your figure 8.”

James was beginning to get scared. He started stating that he’d never do that, stopping before an obstruction. Every excuse he came up with, Gary came up with another explanation and again told James to comply. All the while both of them were hanging ten meters above jagged rocks.

In the end, James reluctantly complied with the insistent requests. He then used his shoelaces as a method to climb his way back up the rope, disconnect from the rope and reconnect below the knot. Each step of the way he argued, resisted and complained.

This is a superb example one of the major problems leaders experience. The leader knows what needs to be done, and (sometimes) how to do it and then passes this onto the employee. Only to have the employee avoid doing the task, or doing it poorly.

While a leader may be completely comfortable with the given task, the employee may not be. And more importantly, as in the above example, the employee is the one taking the risks. If James fell during that test, Gary would be uninjured, James would be in hospital. The risk James experienced was vastly different that the risk Gary experienced. Yet Gary continued to insist that James followed instructions that were more and more dangerous.

Remember, what you find trivial, other may find difficult, even impossible. What can you do to help people around you through their fears? Who can you contact to help you through yours?

Candor, Honesty and Truth June 8, 2007

Honesty is the best policy. This is repeated over and over again. You might have even said it yourself. Some people live up to that ideal. Most people are honest – handing in a found wallet or correcting a cashier after getting too much change for example.

Yet when we get to direct interpersonal communications, that policy starts to fracture a little. We have all told a little white lie. The specific times and places to use these lies are learned, and makes perfect sense. Telling the truth is sometimes detrimental to the immediate situation, we might have to spend an hour explaining our answer. An honest answer might also harm someone’s feelings and damage the long term relationship. Sometimes what we consider as honest other people consider offensive or insulting.

Often I hear the excuse for not telling the whole truth as a loss of face, or fear of ridicule. Either for the person being honest, or the receiver of that honesty. This is part of the reason why anonymous feedback works; You are much more able to speak your mind when there is no involvement of your identitiy. Even when that honesty is directly asked for, it’s often watered down.

Jack Welch calls this honesty candor. He believes, and is correct, that it builds a strong team, that it advances and improves relationships. Everyone being able to speak their mind and offer suggestions is critical to business success.

Just think for a moment about any TV soap you might have seen. Most of the angst and interpersonal conflict with the characters would be non-existant if they were honest. Although that doesn’t make for very good or suspense filled TV.

So to continue this blog containing useful how to skills transfer, here are a few ideas on how to be honest and building honest relationships.

1. Build the environment to be honest by being consistent with your approach. Coming right out and being completely honest, when it’s unexpected, is a shock. If you are known for your honesty, the people around you will expect it, and be ready for it.

2. Start small. When someone asks you what you want to eat, tell them. If someone asks for suggestions, give them one. It doesn’t have to be a long and involved answer, but avoiding the question, or answering “I don’t know” does not foster an honest environment.

3. Be completely open and state your fears and concerns first. Start with a statement like “I need to tell you something, and I’m not sure how you’ll take it. I’m scared that what I have to say will damage our relationship, but I feel it’s important enough, and our relationship strong enough, to tell you.”

4. Lead them into the realisation or idea you want to get across. You can do this by turning your honest statement into a question. “Have you thought about …” or “How would you deal with a situation like …”.

5. Ask for others honesty and reward them immediately when you get it. This reward might be nothing more than a warm smile and a thankyou. Every time you receive honest comments or feedback, encourage the speaker. Over time this will give them the confidence that they can be honest with you. This also fosters the relationship in such a way that you can be honest with them.

What other ways can you suggest to improve your ability to be honest?

Bad training gives information, good training gives skills May 29, 2007

I’ve been to many training sessions. In business and out. Most are glorified information transmission. The 8 hours I spent in the room would have been better spent with a book.

Then there are training for sales, negotiation, management, leadership that expect to transfer skills via this same method. The instructor stands in front of the class and lectures using powerpoint slides. Unfortunately a lecture is a very poor method to transfer skill (or anything else, for that matter). If you are lucky, you get a short, contrived exercise that gives you a false sense of the skill.

Even worse are these leadership and group bonding situations. They claim to improve group dynamics, yet all they do is have the group use exactly the same skills and behaviour in a different context. So if the group didn’t work in the office, chances are it’s not going to work outside.

Ideally, training requires a mix of theory combined with challenges and exercises. The theory is to transfer the “how” of the skill. The exercises designed to practice the theory, and the same time stretch the experience of the students and allow then to practice the “how”. The percentage of each needs to be managed with the outcomes of the course and current student skills.

The metaphor I like to use is: describe to someone how to ride a bike. You can read all the theory in the world, talk to BMX and Tour de France experts, and watch thousands of hours of video. Then, when you get on a bike you realise it’s not as easy as it looks. Learning how to ride a bike contains about 2 minutes of ‘theory’ (this is how you steer, this is how you go forward and stop). Then about 30 to 60 minutes of direct experience, trial and error. From then on, it’s practice.

So next time you attend a training seminar that claims to teach a skill ask yourself the question. “When I finish this training do I know how to ride a bike, or can I ride a bike?”

Environment drives behaviour April 27, 2007

Similar to an earlier post, here is a video interview with Dr. Philip G. Zimbardo as he talks about his Stanford Prison Experiment. This experiment is a powerful example of just how your environment can effect your behaviour.

And here is a recent interview with Dr. Philip G. Zimbardo in the lead up to his new book.

Technorati Tags: , , , , , ,

Meetings? Just say ‘no’ April 20, 2007

Seth Godin offers some very good points about meetings. They waste time, increase stress and are usually poorly run.

If you know me at all, you know I’m not a fan of meetings. Most meetings I consider a waste of time. There is, however, a lot that can be done in meetings to get value from them. Seth offers some suggestions, and I have a few more.

My first and foremost one is to ask yourself two questions before the meeting. What is the reason for the meeting? Do I need to make a decision about this? If you don’t need to make a decision, then you can read the meeting notes. If you don’t know what the reason for the meeting is before the meeting, it’s unlikely you’ll know after.

If the reason is just to bring the team together, is it better served with an informal chat over coffee and doughnuts? If the meeting is to update a distributed team, it can be done inside 5 minutes in most cases.

I work with stressed out people often, and I can always point to meetings as a time waster and partial cause. Often meetings will start late and run long. Often no decisions will be made in the meeting and another meeting will need to be scheduled (though this also relates to poor decision making – another of my pet hates!). When I work with these people, I make sure they understand that every meeting is an investment. Not just of their time, but also a percentage of their salary. This is also true for everyone else in the room.

I have a few additional tips to augment Seth’s tips. They are harsh, but most meetings can easily be shortened by at least 5 minutes, without any loss in value.

Do you have any more tips?

Technorati Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Communication is Manipulation March 26, 2007

Most people have this strange thought that manipulation is evil, bad, and should never be done. Unfortunately we can’t escape it.

I had a discussion with a sales manager the other day about some of the standard sales closing tactics. For example, do you want the product delivered on Thursday or Friday? This sales manager didn’t like to use these methods because he calls it manipulative.

It took me a little while to explain that all of sales is manipulative. That’s how sales people do their job. They manipulate their client into purchasing the product. In the end he understood when I explained that asking a question – or any communication – is manipulation. You’re changing the listeners state, getting them to accept your idea, alter their perspective or just sending their mind down a different path. For example: On what side are the hinges on your front door?

You have to stop your current thoughts, imagine your front door and then answer the question.

Now I’m sure to get many complaints and comments that sales people don’t manipulate, or that some do, but I don’t. These comments and complaints are another form of manipulation – attempting to get me to change my idea or alter my perspective (but send them anyway). I am doing the same manipulation back at you right now.

The reason it seems most people shy away from manipulation is because they think it removes freedom of choice. What really removes freedom of choice is when someone refuses to accept the responsibility for the manipulations they engage in. They’ll happily excuse away abusive behaviour because “it’s natural and genuine” or “that’s just how I am”. You’ll often hear “Genuine people don’t manipulate”. As some counter examples, Stalin was natural and Hitler was genuine. Being natural is no excuse for bad behaviour. So not only do these people limit the choices of people around them, they remove choices from themselves as well. Being responsible for your own communication creates more choice for you and your listeners.

All communication is manipulative whether it’s purposeful or not. All great communicators know this. Because of this knowledge these great communicators know they are responsible for the results of their communication. They know that when you talk with them, and you get benefit from it, you’ll do it again.

So how are your manipulating your listeners?

Technorati Tags: , , , , , , , ,

How to build Self Confidence Part 2 February 18, 2007

This is the second part of how to build self confidence. You can find the first part here.

2. Proclaim your achievements

We can successfully do so many things. We too are great achievers. But part of the society we live in teaches us to brood over our failures and make our lives miserable. If we proclaim our success to everyone we meet, we are branded egotistical, self centered, or worse. Unfortunately this means we don’t proclaim our achievements, even to ourselves.

Society has also taught us that our failures are pointed out much more than success. When we were back in school, if we spelt a word correctly, we might have a tick. If we spelt it wrong we always got a cross. At work, if we do what is required we might receive a thankyou, if we don’t we get told about it every time.

Both of these reasons are why we need to support ourselves by focusing on our achievements much more than our failures.

And the easiest and most effective way to do this is every time we do something positive, good or worthwhile is to give ourselves encouragement. This doesn’t have to be at the end of a long achievement either. Sincerely congratulating yourself for starting to do your tax helps, for example. This positive re-enforcement when you make positive gains towards your goals works wonders and builds, little by little, our self confidence.

3. Feel good about yourself

No one can make us feel inferior without our permission. To boost our self-confidence first of all we must feel good about ourselves. To believe that we are a worthwhile being. The secret of all successful and happy living is to love oneself first.

When I am unhappy with myself I see unhappiness everywhere and I make all those around me unhappy. I must accept myself and feel good about the way I am, the way I look, my size, my shape, and my abilities.

So how do we feel good about ourselves? Through doing another exercise. When I offer the exercise to clients they laugh and say that would never work for them. Yet every time they have done the exercise, vast improvement has been made. Are you skeptical enough to do the exercise every day for a week? The exercise is very simple. Give yourself 5 compliments a day. They might be all in the morning, all 5 at night before bed, or spread through the day. It doesn’t matter about the type of compliment, or what it’s about. They do have to be about you, and sincere. Do the exercise and I promise your self-confidence will grow.

4. Find challenging goals

I’m a big believer in goals. Goals can do miracles in our lives. Greater the goals greater is our self-confidence. We should have both small goals and big goals. The achievement of small goals will give us enthusiasm and self-confidence to keep moving towards bigger and more challenging goals.

If we pick a goal that is too far outside our comfort zone, not only will we be unlikely to achieve the goal, but our self-confidence is disrupted. If the goal we set is too easy, while we are likely to achieve the goal, our self-confidence doesn’t improve.

Every time you achieve a small or large goal, congratulate yourself. Positive re-enforcement works much better than negative re-enforcement. I’ve talked about goals before here.

5. Add in commitment and passion

Our self-confidence depends on the degree of our commitment to a goal. If we are mediocre and half-hearted the result will be the same. Being able to commit ourselves to success and become passionate
about what we do, helps us dramatically. This passion and commitment also builds our self-confidence. When we have commitment and passion, backed up by knowledge and skills we become more self-confident. This in turn supports our commitment and passion.

So the bottom line, use these skills to improve your self confidence and you will indeed do miracles.

Technorati Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

How to build Self Confidence Part 1 February 11, 2007

“Self-confidence gives you courage and extends your reach. It lets you take greater risks and achieve far more than you ever thought possible.” ~ Jack Welch

There is a common element in all individuals that get things done. That element is self-confidence. It enhances all our abilities to take greater risks and achieve more. Self-confidence extends your reach and makes you perform miracles.

Self-confidence is our attitude which gives us a positive views about ourselves. It helps us to trust our abilities and believe that we can achieve what we want.

Self-confident people have realistic expectations of themselves and others. Even if sometimes some of these expectations are not met we remain positive, accept ourselves and look optimistically to conquer
obstacles.

We feel good about ourselves even when others don’t appreciate and acknowledge our efforts. We don’t long for the approval of others, although getting approval still makes us feel good when it comes.

Self-confidence is contagious. Self-confident people instill similar confidence in others and at the same time gain the confidence of others.

Our self confidence is expressed in our behaviour, body language, the way we dress, talk, look, walk, what we say and think. Being self confident we are able to overcome out fears, accept the truth and live happy lives. That’s not to say bad things don’t happen, they do, but being self confident we know that we can overcome, survive and thrive.

The signs of low self confidence are feeling of guilt, skepticism, pride, fear, pretension, laziness, depression, pessimism, procrastination, doubt, and jealousy. A lack of self confidence will also come through our behaviour, for everyone to see.

Thankfully, there are ways to build our self confidence.

1. Have faith in yourself

Our self confidence increases when we believe in our abilities to perform. When we start a new endeveour, a new business or a new job, or in times of crisis there is always a concern about our abilities to perform. At those times we seem to forget our innumerable talents.

So how do you get faith? Faith is another way to describe unshakeable belief. The first step in gaining that unwavering belief in your abilities is to identify what our abilities are. So list them out – all of them. When I ask others to do this, they draw a blank, or write two or three things down. So I’ve developed a memory jogger list to help.

What are the things you enjoy doing?
What are the things other people tell you you are good at?
What are you good at doing?
List at least 5 natural talents that you possess.
List your qualifications.
List 5 things that you’ve done in the past that have surprised you.
What do you think is your greatest curse?
List the 5 biggest challenges in your life and how you overcame them (or continue to).
When you were half your current age, what did you enjoy doing?
When you were half your current age, what did other people say you were good at?

This list will help you re-discover your skills and abilities. Understand that every single item on this list has at least 3 other skills and abilities that are either a critical part, or associated with it. This list, every time you review or add to it builds faith in your present abilities and will boost
your self confidence.

This is a two part post. The second part which contains more methods on building your self confidence will be ready in about a few days.

Update: You can find the second part here.

Technorati Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

More words to avoid, or how to avoid an argument. November 27, 2006

A while ago I discussed some of the words to avoid in sales.

There are more of the same for any environment – particually management.

One particularly nasty version that I encounter often is:

Other person: “My idea is …”
Manager: “I Understand, But…”

It makes me just want to slap the manager in question.

Just in case it’s not apparent to you, dear reader, the manager has just insulted the other person (you’ll often hear it with the manager cutting the other person off mid statement), and then ignoring everything that was just said to restate their own agenda.

Just imagine for the moment that you’re the other person and was responded to in this way. What is your response? Chances are you’ll restate your initial idea, and then the manager will restate theirs. Back and forth we go, usually to end in anger, frustration and a degrading relationship.

But, (that word is useful when used purposefully) there are some simple changes that can be made in the managers (or your own) response that will ensure the communication and relationship continues.

First replace the ‘understand’ with ‘respect’, ‘appreciate’ or ‘agree’.
Second replace the ‘but’ with ‘and’.

Going through that same conversation again:

Other person: “My idea is …”
Manager: “I appreciate that and …”

Nothing else needs to be different and suddenly the communication is very different.

If you have read more of my writing, you will know that this is not just limited to managers. You can use this with angry customers, upset friends and even family members to defuse a conflict.

Technorati Tags: , , , , , ,

Do you know the easiest ways to annoy someone? November 15, 2006

Do you know the easiest way to make someone comfortable?

In any personal interaction the distance between the other person has a dramatic effect on their feelings and sense of safety.

Take for example a door to door salesmen. If you open the door to a salesman, and they move towards you, and put a foot against the door, how do you feel? Alternatively if they step back when you open the door how do you feel? I’m fairly sure you will be like anyone else and stepping back will instantly reduces the threat the salesman caused by arriving unannounced. May not remove it, but defiantly better than stepping forward. This means, you move from a stressful state, into a more comfortable state, while looking at the salesman’s face.

On the opposite side of the scale, pets have a special place in our life. They can, with almost complete immunity, literally walk all over us. We allow them into our intimate space.

The distances where people are comfortable changes dramatically between culture, race, gender, and even city. In most of the English speaking world, these distances are roughly the same. The intimate zone is touching the body, out to about 20-30 centimetres. Social contact is most comfortable between 30cm and under a meter.

These distances change regularly during the day. For example, stepping into a full lift the distances are altered. Notice, that in the western world the lift will fill until the maximum amount of people can enter without touching.

To have an experience of these distances, visit a clothing store and ask for assistance to try things on. When talking to the sales assistant stand over two meters away. They will naturally move towards you, which will force you to move away again. They will (in most cases) chase you around the store. Resist your natural tendency to allow them to approach. After a few minutes, reverse your behaviour and stand almost toe to toe. This will be uncomfortable for you (and them), and now you will chase them around the store.

(Cautionary note: This will create tension in the interaction. In some cases this might be considered sexual tension when done with the opposite sex, and sometimes the same sex. The reason for this is that this game of pushing in and pulling away just happens to be played by courting couples as they become more comfortable with each other and grant access into their Intimate Zone. Given that caution I actively encourage you to do all the experiments I suggest – the information I offer is worthless without direct experience to understand what it means for you.)

You can also do this while in a lift. Stand in different corners. Stand closer to someone else in the lift. Stand in the centre. Stand right at the doors. Notice what the other people do.

There is much more to explore with this topic. Like how to instantly get attention, make people more comfortable with you, and how to break off a conversation. Feel free to share some of your own experiences!

Technorati Tags: , , , , , , , ,

« newer posts | older posts »