Are you good at telling lies? Are you good at noticing them? October 1, 2009
Recently the TV series “Lie To Me” started it’s second season. A show detailing the adventures of a human lie detector. And throughout the show, they offered hints on how to tell if someone is lying. Hints like micro-expressions, word choice, body movements, gestures and more. All very interesting.
Unfortunately, even with hints like that, even people you’d think would be good at lie detection – psychologists, poker players, actors – are no better than you.
When most people talk about lie detection, they consider things like a cheating husband, or thief claiming innocence. It is however very useful in everyday life. For example, have you ever had the experience where you asked someone for a favour and they flaked on you? How useful would it be to know when you ask for that favour you know they don’t express the whole truth when they say ‘yes’?
Other examples are when you talk to your boss about your raise, or when you ask a client if there is anything else you can help them with, or when you as a friend if they liked the cake you baked?
Maybe with that last example you’d rather not know…
Either way, lie detection is a science, and can be learnt. It’s also an art, but that too can be learnt.
So here are a few hints and tips for lie detection:
Be aware of the behaviours in front of you - How the person holds their hands, blinks, breathes, where they look, how long they pause. It all relates to their internal state.
Be aware of dramatic changes in those behaviours such as holding their breath, reduced or increased blink rate, faster or slower speech etc. These all relate to this individual, at this time, only. Tomorrow they might well be the opposite.
Listen, all the time – Verbal pacing, word choice, incessant talking, pauses (or lack of). They all give you hints of what’s going on internally for this person.
Look for anomalies - hands and eyes pointing in different directions. Saying yes and shaking their head no. Blink or look away.
Ask the right questions – Asking ‘are you lying?’ will (almost) always get a congruent no. Asking ‘is there anything else you want to tell me?’ may also get a no, but might also show some of the other hints above.
After a while, you might discover that someone ‘always’ covers their mouth when they lie, or that they ‘always’ look you right in the eye. You might also discover that there is no common element with someone else. Understand how someone lies is deeply personal and varies depending on the lie, context, environment, pressure they feel and many other variables.
In the end, once you know someone just lied to you, withheld some information, or just exaggerated the truth, what you do next is up to you.
Stage fright’s frightening solutions September 24, 2009
So I was reading a blog on some methods for dealing with stage fright. Most of them are basic methods I describe, teach and use. Things like practice and preparation. However one particular one shocked and angered me.
They suggested taking drugs.
And not just something you can get over the counter (not that all of those are harmless) but a prescribed drug. Prescribed for an unrelated physical illness.
It’s very bad advice for many reasons, not the least of which is taking off label drugs for a problem that can be solved quickly and permanently via others methods. This really makes me angry and I find it difficult to express my anger fully in text. Let me try with a metaphor.
If you’re driving your car one day, and all of a sudden the oil light comes on, what do you do? Do you ignore it, check the oil levels yourself, take it to a garage, or place a piece of duct tape over the light?
If you were a mechanic, and someone described to you their solution to a warning light on their Ferrari dashboard was to cover it with tape, how would you react? That’s probably pretty close to how I feel.
Do you think taking drugs is a valid solution to stage fright?
Heritics, questioners, coaches and agents of change June 24, 2009
We’re almost never wanted, but critical to the success of any group.
We’re the court jester – the only person in the whole court that can call the king (or anyone else) a fool.
We’re the questioner – asking the stupid question that have stupidly profound answers.
We’re the provoker – helping (sometimes hindering) other people ideas meet reality.
We’re the objectors – standing up for our and other people’s ideals.
We’re the sword – cutting the knots people and groups tie themselves in.
We’re the outcasts – Outside looking in, offering those inside a different perspective.
We’re the condemned and cursed – For asking the questions, making the comments, and doing what every group needs.
We’re the aliens – Doing and saying things others find strange.
We’re the black sheep – producing wool that others can’t.
The real difficulty in doing this is not that we do, but when and how we do it. We are needed in every group, tribe, culture or society – we are the ones that notice the emperor is naked. Some groups and people embrace us, others reject us, but they all need us.
In case you haven’t guessed, I’ve done much thinking, talking and teaching around this exact point. One example is right here.
Are you a Heritic? A questioner? A coach? An agent of change? Comment below!
Four tips on how to motivate a new team. June 3, 2009
Getting everyone in a new team, group, company or organization to work together is a challenge but not impossible. To give you some of the ideas I use, let me start with a metaphor to get a point across.
As a teacher, I teach to specific individuals. Even in a full class, I teach to the individuals. If the individuals get my point, I move on. If half of them do, I restate the case till they all do. Sometimes I even intentionally confuse the ones that get it, to help them learn a different thing.
In short, I have my learning outcome. I know what responses I want from the students. The students also have their out outcomes for learning. As the instructor, I have to match those two up.
Now, just for a moment, consider a team or company a class. How do I navigate through each individual’s needs, wants and desires to reach my corporate outcome? It takes time and attention (your and theirs!). If they don’t want to belong, then you’re kind of stuck. You can’t make anyone learn something they don’t want to learn. In either case you either have to make them want it, ignore them, or expel them from the team. Having a disruption in a new team can be unrecoverable. In an established team, the team itself usually deals with it naturally.
So some specifics as I appreciate them.
1. Ask the team. You might not use everything they tell you, but you have to take the team ‘pulse’.
Ask the individuals within the team a few specific questions.
“Is the team helping you do what you want?”
“What are you trying to do?”
“What do you most value about the team?”
“Other than yourself who do you think the team finds is the most beneficial member?”
“Who do you think the team finds the least beneficial member?”
2. Give the team clear instructions. So many times I’ve watched highly effective teams self destruct because they were given a wishy-washy goal.
These instructions can also be about how to act as a team. Instructions on WIIFT (What’s In It For Them), what they have to do (both individually and as a team), how they contribute, what ‘contribute’ actually means and more.
3. Be an example for the team. They will follow your lead, not knowing anything else to do. If you stifle creativity, you’ll get less of it and the team will begin to stifle it itself. If you foster creativity, it will grow and be nurtured by the team.
4. Following on from point #3, if you notice the team moving in a direction you don’t want, be the example that moves them in the other way. This can be the toughest of all because most of the time we don’t notice the direction the team is heading until it’s already halfway there.
What other tips to motivate a new team can you think of? Comment below!
Three kinds of meetings … March 4, 2009
… and one of them is a waste of time, effort, attention and money. The other two are the same thing.
As Seth describes, there are 3 types of meetings. From his post:
- Information. This is a meeting where attendees are informed about what is happening (with or without their blessing). While there may be a facade of conversation, it’s primarily designed to inform.
- Discussion. This is a meeting where the leader actually wants feedback or direction or connections. You can use this meeting to come up with an action plan, or develop a new idea, for example.
- Permission. This is a meeting where the other side is supposed to say yes but has the power to say no.
If you call a meeting simply to inform, there are much better (read more effective) methods to use. Things like: memos, email, word of mouth (the old rumor mill), phone calls, delegation, chain of command, newsletters and much more. Information based meetings are what give meetings a bad name.
The other two, discussion and permission meetings can be boiled down to one thing; decision making. If you pull a bunch of employees together to discuss something, make sure a decision is made at the end of the meeting. Even if that is just to collect more information to enable better informed decisions in the next meeting. A permission meeting is having the other side to decide one way or another.
Meetings are to make decisions. If a decision isn’t made, it’s a waste of everyone’s time, effort, attention and money.
Simple non-verbal communication changes get massive response January 29, 2009
Late last year I spent the week training in
But this post is not about how good
Let me give you an example. The class contained only Koreans. Their primary language is Korean. English is a distant second (or third or fourth!) So on the first day when I asked a question, I would get no response. The first question I asked? “Can everyone speak English?” The response; silence.
Two days later, we are having an interaction, a conversation. Their English is ok. Not perfect but perfectly understandable. They are (and were able to) on the first day understand me. What changed them from silent attention to asking questions?
One specific non-verbal behavioural change on my part.
I play with things – all the time. If I’m not, then I’m thinking about how to. I also test, constantly. I try things in new ways, use tools where they are not meant to be used, push boundaries and edges. Doing so keeps me interested and learning. This is play.
So after lunch on day two, I started playing with facial expressions. Normally, I smile a lot – but I decided to stop and freeze my facial expression. Suddenly the students started asking questions. Confused, I slipped back into my regular smiling and they lost interest with my answers and didn’t ask more. It was like turning on a switch. Freezing my face induced more questions. Back and forth it went.
One ’simple’ change and my results change. What simple thing can you change in yourself to get different results?
Meeting the objections in meetings May 20, 2008
Part of the work I’m passionate about is helping teams work better together. Some time ago I was working with an IT company that had a great team, “…if only Peter wouldn’t shoot down every idea.” (Once again, names are changed to protect the guilty.)
So there I am, Tuesday morning, watching my first meeting. I don’t remember what they were talking about specifically, but it had something to do with a client problem.
Someone offers a suggestion for a solution, and Peter immediately jumps in and says that it won’t work because of this, this and this.
Everyone at the table rolls their eyes. They’d been through this before. Yet I’m fascinated that someone could come up with so many examples of why it wouldn’t work so fast (and this guy was fast!)
This cycle goes on for a bit. Problem, suggested solution, Peter shooting it down in flames.
After about the fifth iteration I jump in and thank Peter for his input. This shocks him as he’s treated like, and acts like an outcast. I don’t think he’d ever been thanked for shooting down other people ideas. Then I go on to say that his comments are not just important, but critical to success. Now I have the entire table shocked.
I continue to Peter, “And, you’re jumping in too soon. You need to allow the potential solutions that are being offered to be fully formed before you offer your feedback. Hold off until they’ve finished their entire suggestion, or to put it another way, give them enough rope to hang themselves. ” Peter smiles at this. Everyone else was too shocked to comment.
Still, the rest of the meeting, Peter is responding differently, taking his time, allowing a solution to be presented and he would point out a specific problem, with only part of the solution (and thus improving the eventual solution). The team is suddenly more effective. And after a few more subtle changes to do with accountability, they are working together nicely.
Many meetings have this issue; Not a Peter, but a disorganised sequence.
Just like calling someone on the phone, you have to type in the right sequence of numbers to get the person you want. It’s the same with meetings. With the right meeting sequence, you can have a meeting achieve agreement in much less time (and have influence over which side that agreement is on), reach decisions faster, and best of all, shorten the length of the meeting!