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Self deception is good? December 3, 2009

I’ve been investigating lies and lying of late (in case you didn’t notice the other posts). In doing so I discovered some very interesting research on self-deception.

Such interesting research that it fits into many different areas. From life, sports, business and other pursuits. And the research hints at top performers often ’self-deceive’ more than others.

Psychologist by the name of Joanna Starek discovered that swimmers who lie to themselves swim faster than those who do not. (Link to the research).

The document hints at much of the other evidence out there that ’self-deception’ helps with stress, depression, happiness, and more.

Above all, this shows that the ability to focus on your goal, ignoring any other information that goes against that goal, makes it more likely to reach your goal.

So what do you think? Is self-deception needed for success? Does it help at all from your perspective?

Thanks to Radiolab for the links.

Meaning and belief October 29, 2009

Events have no meaning in themselves.

Imagine you’ve planned a huge party. You’ve planned the food, layed out the tables and drinks on your lawn. Put up streamers and lights preparing for a big night. The sun is high as people arrive. Soon the party is rocking, everyone enjoying themselves. Suddenly, within minutes the wind picks up. Dark clouds gather and rain begins to fall. How do you feel about the rain?

As a seporate example, imagine you are sitting at home reading a book. Outside is a cold winters day, but inside is warm and cosy. You’ve just got yourself a nice warm beverage. Suddenly, within minutes the wind picks up. Dark clouds gather and rain begins to fall, spattering the windows. How do you feel about the rain?

As a third example, imagine you are a farmer and your farm has been in drout for the past three years. You’re walking through a dusty field and suddenly, within minutes the wind picks up. Dark clouds gather and rain begins to fall. How do you feel about the rain?

The rain itself is the same, the surrounding events different. All that really makes the difference is not the rain, but the meaning you attribute to that rain.

Beliefs are like this as well. Because of a belief we attribute specific meaning to events.

What’s most important? September 17, 2009

I travel regularly. At least one week in two I’m out of home. This means I get to meet many new and interesting people and marvel at the different things they notice.

Of late, I’ve been wearing my Vibram barefoot running shoes for the plane trip. They are very comfortable (criteria #1) and contain no metal (so I don’t have to take them off going through security). They also attract alot of attention.

As I’m waiting for my bag to exit the carousel, a business man in a crisp suit comes up to me, stares at my feet and says, “What are they?”

I raise my right foot and wiggle my toes. “They are called barefoot running shoes.”

“I’ve never seen anything like them.”

“They are great. Very comfortable and good for your feet and posture.”

The next thing he says confuses me for a while. “Are you a podiatrist?”

We talk for a little more before he wanders off to grab his bag. Yet his question stays with me. What was his reason for asking something like that? What did that say about him?

In the end I realise because of the way he asked that he would never wear such different shoes. To him, doing something so strange would be worse than foot pain. To extend on that: His appearance is more important than his health.

Now I could be wrong, he might have been asking to confirm my qualifications before asking advice. Regardless its a good example of how different personal criteria makes a big difference in behaviour.

Think about your own life. What’s most important to you about your work? Is it the money (rare)? Is it the human interactions? Is it the chance to change the world or create something new? Doesn’t matter what it is at all. What matters is if you’re achieving that, or if you’re being frustrated.

Think about what you think is the most important thing for the people  you work with. Is it the same, different or even in direct opposition?

Stress can happen anytime. Are you ready? July 14, 2009

Last Sunday evening and Monday morning were very stressful for me.

A friend of mine was getting married on the Sunday. This is stressful for the bride, groom, wedding party, parents and maybe the ex’s. This wasn’t at all stressful for me. It was a very beautiful ceremony and I was proud and honored to be there. The stress started once I left.

I needed to fly to Perth from Sydney. I needed to leave Sunday night for several reasons. First because Sydney closes their airport between 10pm and 6am on Sunday. Second because to leave in the morning the 4+ hour flight time to Perth doesn’t get me there till after 9am when I was due to start training.

My Sunday flight leaves at 7:20pm. That means I need to get there, absolute latest at 6:55. I leave the wedding at 6:00 thinking with 5 minutes to get a cab and a 20 minute ride, I have plenty of time.

Little did I know how difficult that would be.

First off, there seemed to be that every taxi either ignored me, or were already busy, driving right by. For 30 minutes I stood in the cold wind trying to flag down a cab, getting more and more concerned about missing my flight.

I was constantly re-assuring myself that I still have time, that it’ll all be ok. That I’ll get the flight.

Finally, at 6:30, I get in a cab. We have a brief talk and he, being local and a taxi driver, that we ‘might just make it’. I’m reassured by this for about 3 minutes before I start fretting again. For twenty five minutes I flip between being relaxed and enjoying the drive to tense anxiety of missing my flight. I breathe, relax, and calm myself after every wave of anxiety.

I arrive just as the news on the radio starts. 6:00 pm. “Might just make it” I think…

I enter the terminal to find sets of lines in front of every counter. Bolstered by my anxiety I stroll past everyone in the first class line straight to the next available attendant.

“I hope I’m can still get on the Perth flight,” I say.

The attendant types a few keys. “No. The flight closed,” he looks at his watch, “10 minutes ago.” My heart sinks. He thinks for a moment and then looks at my usual giant check in luggage.

(In hindsight, this might have been an opportunity for me to get on the flight, leaving my luggage behind (and shipped the following day) I didn’t ask if that was possible because in that instant I was more focused on me rather than the attendant.)

“Is there any chance I can get on the flight?” I ask hopefully.

“None. The system is all automatic, it’s closed.” He replies.

“No chance at all?” I ask for the third time. Third time’s a charm, as they say, and usually is.

“None. Sorry. Let me see if there is a later flight.” I wait, knowing full well that my flight is still filling and that the next flight is tomorrow morning. I still hope I can get on this plane. “The next flight is ten past six tomorrow morning. You’ll have to talk to our sales desk to get it changed.”

I sigh. Then smile and thank the attendant. Walking to the sales desk I scold myself in frustration and anger. This is short lived as I sigh again, this time loudly. I shake my arms and legs as I wait in line at the sales desk flicking off the nervous energy I generated during the taxi ride.

At the sales desk, thankfully, there are 2 seats left for the flight. I hand over my credit card and head back to another taxi.

When I get home, I make a bunch of phone calls, booking another taxi for the morning, calling the hotel I was going to be arriving at in about 5 hours time, calling the organisers for the week to let them know I’ll be late. I then spend another few minutes laughing and moving around the house while I think of the situation. This burns off the last of the remaining negative emotion and energy of the last ninety minutes.

I sleep fitfully, waking several times to look at the clock to make sure I’ve not overslept. Each time I do, I remind myself to relax, sleep fully and with pleasant dreams until 5 am. I’m still out of bed 10 minutes before the alarm.

I shower, shave, get dressed, repack into carry on luggage and prepare for the taxi. I’m relaxed and resigned to arriving at the training late.

That’s when I notice an SMS from the cab company. Taxi has been waiting for 5 minutes. I look out, but don’t see it. My heart skips a beat as I realise it probably waited for a few minutes, then left.

I call the cab company to find out what happened. They call me back a few minutes later to say there was a problem with the cab. Time is now 5:15 and my anxiety starts to rise. I have a 10 minute taxi ride from home to the airport and 25 minutes to get there. “Still plenty of time” I say to myself as I pace up and down the footpath waiting.

“The taxi says they are 15 minutes away,” The cab operator tells me.

“That’s going to be too late,” I say. “Contact other another taxi as well for me, please. Call me back with details.”

Time ticks slowly past 5:20. Then 5:21. Then 5:22. My anxiety is now high in my chest. I can feel my heart pushing against my ribs, and then my phone rings.

“Yes?”

“The driver tells me he’s less than two minutes away.” The taxi operator says.

“He’d better be,” I say with as much mirth as I can before hanging up.

True to their word, the cab arrives 2 minutes later. Time is now 5:25, and we’re pushing it. The cabbie is apologetic, but does his best to get me there on time.

By luck or intent, we catch every single green light. I know, I counted. We arrive at the airport at exactly 5:38. I grab my carry on bags and race to the counter. On the way I pause to use the automatic check in. This fails to work, giving me an error that was probably along the lines of ‘flight closed’. To be honest I didn’t take any notice, but again rushed to the start of the first class queue.

“I’m hoping, again, to get on the Perth flight.” As I say with deep concern that I again missed the flight.

Tap. Tap. Tap. “Any baggage to check?”

At this point I feel my shoulders release and my face slacken, I made it! “No.” I reply.

I made it. Just. After 2 minutes getting through the security check, and another 3 to walk to the gate I arrive to find the gate open and a line forming. I sigh, relaxing.

Stress can happen any time. If I had not, prior to this event, practiced the various methods of stress reduction I used, it’s unlikely I would have been able to keep my stress from overwhelming me.

I practice these things when I don’t need them, so when I do need them they are available. Practice like your life depends on it – because it usually does. My Sunday night, Monday morning and the rest of the week would have been vastly different if I didn’t.

What do you practice?

How to keep a positive attitude March 19, 2009

Sometimes life gives us lemons. As the old saying goes; make lemonade. While it’s easy to say that while you look at a table overflowing with lemons, it’s sometimes hard to think of making lemonade.

The main asset in remembering to make lemonade is keeping a positive attitude. Regardless of the stress of the situation if you keep a positive attitude you can get better results.

Keeping that positive attitude under difficult situations might be a challenge. Actually, because of today’s busy lifestyle constantly trying to throw us off balance, it might be easier to think of it as regaining or recovering our lost positive attitude. Here are a few tips that can keep help.

1. Say thank you. You, like me, might remember a birthday where your parents didn’t give you the present you wanted, but instead wrapped up underwear and socks. For added embarrassment, you opened all your presents while family and friends looked on. Even though this wasn’t much of a gift, or you didn’t get what you truly wanted, you still say ‘thankyou’.
When you say ‘thankyou’ you don’t have to accept the ‘gift’.
When you say ‘thankyou’ your mind (thanks to years of training) begins to think of how and where to use this gift.

2. Smile for no reason. This releases ‘feel good’ chemicals that, well, make us feel good.
Make others smile and laugh. This in turn naturally makes us smile. If you don’t believe me, walk down a street and smile at the strangers walking towards you. Most of those that notice will smile in return. Even in the most unfriendly cities you’ll still get some responses.
And even if you fake a laugh, this usually becomes funny in itself. Try it yourself with a friend.

3. Forgive others. Forgiveness is a funny thing. It is never about the other person. It’s never about you accepting that what was done to you is ok. It’s not even about making the other person feel better or stopping punishing them (when really it’s just punishing yourself). Forgiveness is simply about allowing you to release the attachment you have to a past event.

4. Hang around positive people. That doesn’t mean dropping all your negative friends, just limiting the time you spend around them. If you only know negative people, you need new friends!

5. Focus on the positive. That doesn’t mean ignoring the negative, just not reliving the negative. At the end of the meeting or day, remember what was good.
If you must focus on the negative, set a short time limit and do it with 100% commitment. No more than 10 minutes is ever needed.

6. Talk to yourself in positive terms. Harder than it sounds, but as a quick introduction start with eliminating the words: can’t, won’t, should, but, try. You will be more positive by simply removing these words.

Personally, when the world gives me lemons, I make margaritas. The best margaritas are made with lime, but when all you have is lemons…

The reason to control stress February 12, 2008

Stress may be triggered by external events such as having a short timeframe, being yelled at by a customer, or giving an important presentation. It is your interpretation of the event or situation that will ultimately cause you to feel the mental and physical stress or anxiety.

Now, not all stress is bad stress. Stress is a part of everyday life. In the right amount, stress helps you focus better and achieve what you want. Stress can help you be more alert, motivated, and gain a competitive edge. However, non-stop stress is debilitating and will interfere with performance. In the worst situations, it can even kill you!

Stress occurs as a response to an event that you view as threatening. Imagine driving your car at 200 KPH on a windy road. Under the right amount of stress, you switch on your full potential. Under too much stress you crack under the pressure.

The sooner you can recognize the signs stress, the faster you can react and keep in under control.

So, how do you know when you need to hit the kill switch on stress?

There are three main areas where changes can occur under stress: (1) Physical, (2) Mental or Emotional, and (3) Behavioral.

Physical changes when under stress may include dry mouth, tense muscles, pounding heart rate, cold or clammy hands, headache, sweating, and a feeling of butterflies in the stomach. You probably feel these to some extent if you have an important presentation. These are the signs that your body is ready for the challenge.

Mentally you feel stress when you begin to worry excessively about results, make poor decisions, have a limited attention span, make mental errors, and are forgetful.

Other behavior signs of stress include talking faster than normal, biting one’s nails, restlessness, hyperactivity, insomnia, distractibility, and trembling.

By themselves, these signs may not even slow you down. These signs can stay around, and compound. This starts a chronic stress situation, you will seem tired, restless, and feel out of control. If this continues, more problematic physical issues might start.

The important lesson is that you can learn when helpful stress turns into harmful stress and be able to cope effectively. Bring that harmful stress back under control and be able to perform at your best. The key for you is to be aware of these signs and make the adjustments needed when you feel anxiety, tension, or stress. You can learn the skills needed to keep the balance, relax when you want, and stop the overwhelming stress.

If you’d like to know more, you can join in the survey, and then read more about stress reduction methods.

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How to build Self Confidence Part 2 February 18, 2007

This is the second part of how to build self confidence. You can find the first part here.

2. Proclaim your achievements

We can successfully do so many things. We too are great achievers. But part of the society we live in teaches us to brood over our failures and make our lives miserable. If we proclaim our success to everyone we meet, we are branded egotistical, self centered, or worse. Unfortunately this means we don’t proclaim our achievements, even to ourselves.

Society has also taught us that our failures are pointed out much more than success. When we were back in school, if we spelt a word correctly, we might have a tick. If we spelt it wrong we always got a cross. At work, if we do what is required we might receive a thankyou, if we don’t we get told about it every time.

Both of these reasons are why we need to support ourselves by focusing on our achievements much more than our failures.

And the easiest and most effective way to do this is every time we do something positive, good or worthwhile is to give ourselves encouragement. This doesn’t have to be at the end of a long achievement either. Sincerely congratulating yourself for starting to do your tax helps, for example. This positive re-enforcement when you make positive gains towards your goals works wonders and builds, little by little, our self confidence.

3. Feel good about yourself

No one can make us feel inferior without our permission. To boost our self-confidence first of all we must feel good about ourselves. To believe that we are a worthwhile being. The secret of all successful and happy living is to love oneself first.

When I am unhappy with myself I see unhappiness everywhere and I make all those around me unhappy. I must accept myself and feel good about the way I am, the way I look, my size, my shape, and my abilities.

So how do we feel good about ourselves? Through doing another exercise. When I offer the exercise to clients they laugh and say that would never work for them. Yet every time they have done the exercise, vast improvement has been made. Are you skeptical enough to do the exercise every day for a week? The exercise is very simple. Give yourself 5 compliments a day. They might be all in the morning, all 5 at night before bed, or spread through the day. It doesn’t matter about the type of compliment, or what it’s about. They do have to be about you, and sincere. Do the exercise and I promise your self-confidence will grow.

4. Find challenging goals

I’m a big believer in goals. Goals can do miracles in our lives. Greater the goals greater is our self-confidence. We should have both small goals and big goals. The achievement of small goals will give us enthusiasm and self-confidence to keep moving towards bigger and more challenging goals.

If we pick a goal that is too far outside our comfort zone, not only will we be unlikely to achieve the goal, but our self-confidence is disrupted. If the goal we set is too easy, while we are likely to achieve the goal, our self-confidence doesn’t improve.

Every time you achieve a small or large goal, congratulate yourself. Positive re-enforcement works much better than negative re-enforcement. I’ve talked about goals before here.

5. Add in commitment and passion

Our self-confidence depends on the degree of our commitment to a goal. If we are mediocre and half-hearted the result will be the same. Being able to commit ourselves to success and become passionate
about what we do, helps us dramatically. This passion and commitment also builds our self-confidence. When we have commitment and passion, backed up by knowledge and skills we become more self-confident. This in turn supports our commitment and passion.

So the bottom line, use these skills to improve your self confidence and you will indeed do miracles.

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How to build Self Confidence Part 1 February 11, 2007

“Self-confidence gives you courage and extends your reach. It lets you take greater risks and achieve far more than you ever thought possible.” ~ Jack Welch

There is a common element in all individuals that get things done. That element is self-confidence. It enhances all our abilities to take greater risks and achieve more. Self-confidence extends your reach and makes you perform miracles.

Self-confidence is our attitude which gives us a positive views about ourselves. It helps us to trust our abilities and believe that we can achieve what we want.

Self-confident people have realistic expectations of themselves and others. Even if sometimes some of these expectations are not met we remain positive, accept ourselves and look optimistically to conquer
obstacles.

We feel good about ourselves even when others don’t appreciate and acknowledge our efforts. We don’t long for the approval of others, although getting approval still makes us feel good when it comes.

Self-confidence is contagious. Self-confident people instill similar confidence in others and at the same time gain the confidence of others.

Our self confidence is expressed in our behaviour, body language, the way we dress, talk, look, walk, what we say and think. Being self confident we are able to overcome out fears, accept the truth and live happy lives. That’s not to say bad things don’t happen, they do, but being self confident we know that we can overcome, survive and thrive.

The signs of low self confidence are feeling of guilt, skepticism, pride, fear, pretension, laziness, depression, pessimism, procrastination, doubt, and jealousy. A lack of self confidence will also come through our behaviour, for everyone to see.

Thankfully, there are ways to build our self confidence.

1. Have faith in yourself

Our self confidence increases when we believe in our abilities to perform. When we start a new endeveour, a new business or a new job, or in times of crisis there is always a concern about our abilities to perform. At those times we seem to forget our innumerable talents.

So how do you get faith? Faith is another way to describe unshakeable belief. The first step in gaining that unwavering belief in your abilities is to identify what our abilities are. So list them out – all of them. When I ask others to do this, they draw a blank, or write two or three things down. So I’ve developed a memory jogger list to help.

What are the things you enjoy doing?
What are the things other people tell you you are good at?
What are you good at doing?
List at least 5 natural talents that you possess.
List your qualifications.
List 5 things that you’ve done in the past that have surprised you.
What do you think is your greatest curse?
List the 5 biggest challenges in your life and how you overcame them (or continue to).
When you were half your current age, what did you enjoy doing?
When you were half your current age, what did other people say you were good at?

This list will help you re-discover your skills and abilities. Understand that every single item on this list has at least 3 other skills and abilities that are either a critical part, or associated with it. This list, every time you review or add to it builds faith in your present abilities and will boost
your self confidence.

This is a two part post. The second part which contains more methods on building your self confidence will be ready in about a few days.

Update: You can find the second part here.

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How to silence your internal dialogue December 11, 2006

Your infernal internal dialogue can be brought under control. You might, at this time, think that it doesn’t slow you down that much. I can assure you, unless you have control over it, it does.

Some examples of how internal dialogue hamstrings you include:

There are many more examples of how your performance can improve once you stop talking to yourself. Internal dialogue has it’s place I want you to understand that. Unfortunately most of us over use our internal dialogue, at the wrong times and wrong places.

I had breakfast the other day with friends who have an 8 month old child. I was awed by the silence in her (One of the common experiences that occurs when your internal dialogue is off, is that you can sense other people’s). She was simply there, watching, learning and experiencing the world. Of course, being 8 months old, she does not yet have the capability for any dialogue, let alone internal. And after reading Kathy Sierra I decided to build this list.

So without further delay, here is a list of methods you can use to get control over this internal dialogue. When I remember or find more, I’ll add them to the list. If you have any of your own, please add them in the comments!

  1. Restate your internal dialogue immediately after hearing it. This brings your internal dialogue under your conscious control by breaking the pattern.
  2. Move the location of your internal dialogue into your voice box. Most people listen to their dialogue coming from a specific location. Often from the back of their head and off to one side. Move that location to where you physically speak from and it usually silences the chat.
  3. You can also extend on #2 by moving the voice to different locations for different effects. Some locations work great for motivating you, others for de-motivating. Experiment.
  4. Further on #2 and #3, you can externalise the voice. Set up a chair, and hear the voice coming from that chair. You can then have a proper conversation with it!
  5. Pick a personal mantra, then use it. “Shut the hell up” is one such mantra:-)
  6. Not really a method, but helps understanding. Who, when your internal dialogue is chattering away, are you speaking to?
  7. Using the 6-step reframing method from NLP. This method uses a signal system to set up with your unconscious mind that allows you to negotiate the times and places to turn on or off your internal alogue.
  8. Imagining a volume control knob. Turn up the volume of your internal dialogue, and turn it all the way down.
  9. If you have internal dialogue that you don’t like very much, changing the tone often helps. Turn the tone into the most seductive, most sensual voice you can imagine. How do you feel about it now?
  10. While rare, sometimes the voice we hear is actually another voice – a parent for example. In these cases, give the voice back to the original owner.
  11. Writing out the words your internal dialogue speaks often helps. Usually it runs out of things to say very quickly. With critical statements, you can also then write out counter examples stating how untrue or over generalised these statements are.
  12. Act. If there is something that you want to do, for example talking to a stranger, hesitation will ensure you talk yourself out of whatever action you considered. If you hear that voice, ignore it and act.
  13. Remember the silence. While you read this sentence, I want you to read it out loud. Half way through a word in a sentence, pause. You mind will, naturally, go on silent hold. Remember this ‘feeling’ and you can bring it back when you want by doing the same with your internal dialogue. With proper practice, you can keep that pause indefinitely.
  14. Wide peripheral vision. Imagine you are balancing an apple on the top of your head. Now move the apple about 2 inches back. Keep your attention on the apple. Now look at the world around you and notice your hands on the keyboard, the top of the monitor, the walls on your left and right and the other objects around you. Notice them all at the same time. Chances are your internal dialogue has quietened down.

Add your comments with your own methods for silencing the harshest of critics!

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The Secret of Motivation November 20, 2006

The secret of motivation is the sequence of action:

Most people think the sequence is Motivation first, and then Action.

The real way it works is Action first, Motivation then follows.

So next time you need motivation for something, commit to do it for 5 minutes.

Kathy hints at this here
Seth mentions similar here

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