Meeting the objections in meetings May 20, 2008
Part of the work I’m passionate about is helping teams work better together. Some time ago I was working with an IT company that had a great team, “…if only Peter wouldn’t shoot down every idea.” (Once again, names are changed to protect the guilty.)
So there I am, Tuesday morning, watching my first meeting. I don’t remember what they were talking about specifically, but it had something to do with a client problem.
Someone offers a suggestion for a solution, and Peter immediately jumps in and says that it won’t work because of this, this and this.
Everyone at the table rolls their eyes. They’d been through this before. Yet I’m fascinated that someone could come up with so many examples of why it wouldn’t work so fast (and this guy was fast!)
This cycle goes on for a bit. Problem, suggested solution, Peter shooting it down in flames.
After about the fifth iteration I jump in and thank Peter for his input. This shocks him as he’s treated like, and acts like an outcast. I don’t think he’d ever been thanked for shooting down other people ideas. Then I go on to say that his comments are not just important, but critical to success. Now I have the entire table shocked.
I continue to Peter, “And, you’re jumping in too soon. You need to allow the potential solutions that are being offered to be fully formed before you offer your feedback. Hold off until they’ve finished their entire suggestion, or to put it another way, give them enough rope to hang themselves. ” Peter smiles at this. Everyone else was too shocked to comment.
Still, the rest of the meeting, Peter is responding differently, taking his time, allowing a solution to be presented and he would point out a specific problem, with only part of the solution (and thus improving the eventual solution). The team is suddenly more effective. And after a few more subtle changes to do with accountability, they are working together nicely.
Many meetings have this issue; Not a Peter, but a disorganised sequence.
Just like calling someone on the phone, you have to type in the right sequence of numbers to get the person you want. It’s the same with meetings. With the right meeting sequence, you can have a meeting achieve agreement in much less time (and have influence over which side that agreement is on), reach decisions faster, and best of all, shorten the length of the meeting!
How do you make decisions? March 18, 2008
If you are like most people, you don’t know the process you go through to make a decision. It happens quickly, naturally, and without our awareness.
The easiest ways to discover how you make a decision, is to take 4 of your friends out to dinner.
When you are handed a menu, place it closed in front of you and watch your friends. Notice how one might ask what someone else is going to have. Notice another might read through every item. Another might glance at the menu and close it. The fourth will do something different.
Once they have made their choice, pick on one of your friends with these questions. (I’ll leave the decision of which one to pick up to you, but if you’ve worked with me before, you’ll know my selection criteria).
“What have you chosen?” Listen closely to the answer. They will likely tell you everything about their decision process. Once they finish, ask:
“What made you choose that?” And again listen to their answer.
If you’re lucky, they’ll say something like “I looked through the menu till I found the dish I had before,” or “I opened the menu and picked the first thing I noticed.” If you’re unlucky, they’ll give you a long rambling story about their childhood. Both will tell you how they made that decision.
Now comes the real challenge. Pick up your menu and use their method to choose food for yourself. This doesn’t mean choose the same dish (although you might). If they choose something they have had before, then you do the same. If they choose the first thing they see, do the same.
Doing this can give you a powerful insight into your own decision method (and might have you eating something new - always a bonus!).
So after doing this, what does that get you?
- It gives you skills to notice someone else’s decision method. This in itself is useful for sales, negotiation, business or making your partner happy because if you know how someone makes a decision, simply give them the information they need to make the decision you want.
- You get insight into your own process. Even though you are only choosing what to eat, the chances are this is the same process you go through to pick a car, house, shoes or a pen.
- You now have another way to make a choice. Chances are you may not like this new method - thats ok, you don’t have to use it. You can keep it in your back pocket when you want a change, or are faced with a very difficult decision.
Notice how the people around you make decisions. Notice how you make your own decisions.
Technorati Tags: Business, CEO, Decisions, Group Dynamics, Learning, Management, Motivation, Negotiation, Persuasion, Psychology, Sales
How to get a meeting back on track December 17, 2007
If you have sat in more than two meetings, you’ve had the experience of someone or something that distracts the meeting off onto other areas.
Might be the game of golf, might be the failing company. Who knows.
If you want to bring it back to the agenda, there is a very simple and effective formula.
I Notice …, which Means …, Can we ….
First say, “I notice…”
Describe what you see. No evaluation, no demands, no anger. At it’s simplest it’s “I notice that we’ve moved off the agenda.”
Then say, “I’m concerned…”
State what this observation means to you, the team, the meeting, the general state of the environment. Again, the simple observation is “I’m concerned we won’t cover everything on the agenda.”
Finally, “Can we…”
State what you want to happen next. Most likely what happens next is to have that talk after the meeting. It might be to table that idea for another meeting. If you don’t know what the next step is, you can even ask the group what can be done.
Using this method will save time, effort and frustration. Not to mention ensure the meetings stay on time and on track.
Technorati Tags: Business, Communication, Group Dynamics, Leadership, Management, Meetings, Persuasion, Productivity
Do you Communicate with a mirror? 14 ways to see past the looking glass. October 8, 2007
People communicate every day with themselves. With their own beliefs, ideas, values, maps.
You might have had the experience of asking someone a simple and innocuous question and receiving an angry, unexpected or strange answer. Almost as if they are having a completely different conversation.
I remember one time when I was running late for a train. I asked the time from tall fellow that was standing on the platform. He didn’t give me the time, but instead angrily swore at me and then turned away.
Every day we face the challenge of overcoming our own perceptions and communicating directly with, rather than what we expect or imagine about the person in front of us. This can be hard at times, especially with the people we know well already.
Every human being is unique and special and interesting. Every human being has value (even that guy on the station). Some of the ways to help you break through your own perceptions:
- Look or listen for what has changed or different since last time you talked to the person. This might be noticing their clothing, or hair. Maybe they were recovering from the flu last time.
- It is your responsibility to make sure the other person understands what you mean to say. Assume that the meaning of your communication is the response you get. In other words, if someone acts offended to something you said, treat the situation as if you did offended them.
- Use active listening skills.
- Put down the paper, step away from your email or stop doing other things and give the other person your full attention.
- Match the other persons ‘energy’ or ‘vibe’. If they are happy, be happy. If they are excited, match their excitement. If they are unhappy, sympthasize.
- Apologise when you make mistakes.
- Accept their statements as true. Everyone has the right to their own feelings.
- Stop interrupting and allow them to finish what they mean to say.
- Use the methods for shutting off your own internal dialogue. Sometimes we are having a conversation in our own mind while waiting for the other person to stop speaking.
- Similar to #4, set aside your personal history. If you are having a bad day, accept your emotions and don’t allow them to affect the communication. That’s not to say you should ignore past experiences, or what you are feeling - by all means take these into account. Instead be aware of how these changes affect your communications now.
- Listen to other peoples opinion, but make up your own through direct experience.
- Examine the entire situation. This person is just one person within the whole world. Who are their friends, who are they connected to? What has been happening in their life?
- Imagine them wearing different clothes, or with a different haircut. As the saying goes, the clothes don’t make the man but they do change your attitudes to the man.
- Understand your position of power. What is your relationship to this person - boss, child, employee, friend etc? Different power roles naturally changes your perceptions of others. Being aware of this can help you understand both your own and the other persons behaviour.
What other methods to you use?
Technorati Tags: Business, Communication, Learning, Persuasion, Psychology
Environment drives behaviour April 27, 2007
Similar to an earlier post, here is a video interview with Dr. Philip G. Zimbardo as he talks about his Stanford Prison Experiment. This experiment is a powerful example of just how your environment can effect your behaviour.
And here is a recent interview with Dr. Philip G. Zimbardo in the lead up to his new book.
Technorati Tags: Business, Change, Communication, Leadership, Persuasion, Psychology, Stress
How to waste millions of dollars worth of skill… April 10, 2007
A fascinating article in the Washington Post. Joshua Bell, one of the worlds best violinist, combined with one of the worlds best violins, goes busking for small change.
The article is a fantastic example of how our identity can change in response to our environment. This musician easily fills concert halls. Yet in a subway his identity shifts. To quote from the article:
- “At a music hall, I’ll get upset if someone coughs or if someone’s cellphone goes off. But here, my expectations quickly diminished. I started to appreciate any acknowledgment, even a slight glance up. I was oddly grateful when someone threw in a dollar instead of change.”
So for the people rushing to get to work, he was just another starving artist. His ideas and beliefs started to change in response to the behaviour of the people walking past.
As a child prodigy, he has spent his like expecting attention and applause. Yet within the subway, his years of experience and expectation is shifted very quickly to appreciate ‘even a slight glance’.
What this means for us, as leaders and persuaders, is to be aware of the context around us. Are the people around us helping? Is the culture a barrier to success? Are we settling for ‘a slight glance’ when we want more respect and appreciation? Are we offering only ‘a slight glance’ when words of congratulations and support would improve performance?
Technorati Tags: Change, Leadership, Learning, Motivation, Persuasion, Psychology
Communication is Manipulation March 26, 2007
Most people have this strange thought that manipulation is evil, bad, and should never be done. Unfortunately we can’t escape it.
I had a discussion with a sales manager the other day about some of the standard sales closing tactics. For example, do you want the product delivered on Thursday or Friday? This sales manager didn’t like to use these methods because he calls it manipulative.
It took me a little while to explain that all of sales is manipulative. That’s how sales people do their job. They manipulate their client into purchasing the product. In the end he understood when I explained that asking a question - or any communication - is manipulation. You’re changing the listeners state, getting them to accept your idea, alter their perspective or just sending their mind down a different path. For example: On what side are the hinges on your front door?
You have to stop your current thoughts, imagine your front door and then answer the question.
Now I’m sure to get many complaints and comments that sales people don’t manipulate, or that some do, but I don’t. These comments and complaints are another form of manipulation - attempting to get me to change my idea or alter my perspective (but send them anyway). I am doing the same manipulation back at you right now.
The reason it seems most people shy away from manipulation is because they think it removes freedom of choice. What really removes freedom of choice is when someone refuses to accept the responsibility for the manipulations they engage in. They’ll happily excuse away abusive behaviour because “it’s natural and genuine” or “that’s just how I am”. You’ll often hear “Genuine people don’t manipulate”. As some counter examples, Stalin was natural and Hitler was genuine. Being natural is no excuse for bad behaviour. So not only do these people limit the choices of people around them, they remove choices from themselves as well. Being responsible for your own communication creates more choice for you and your listeners.
All communication is manipulative whether it’s purposeful or not. All great communicators know this. Because of this knowledge these great communicators know they are responsible for the results of their communication. They know that when you talk with them, and you get benefit from it, you’ll do it again.
So how are your manipulating your listeners?
Technorati Tags: Business, Communication, Leadership, Management, Motivation, Negotiation, Presenting, Psychology, Sales
How to stop the upsell January 5, 2007
I am sitting in a cafe awaiting my coffee. I considered ordering more, but was ‘persuaded’ not to by the waiter.
The interaction went like this:
Waiter: “Are you being served?”
Me: “Not yet. Can I have a decaff cappuccino …”
Waiter: Cutting me off “That’s it,” with a horizontal chopping motion with his hand.
I was going to order more, but he stopped me. His statement (not question) combined with a hand motion that is often used to show boundaries or where things stop lost the cafe money. Now I’m trained to be aware of and use these behavioural patterns, yet even though one part of my brain notices this interaction the response coming out of my mouth almost involuntarily is: “Yes. That’s it.”
And I’m sure the waiter wonders why he doesn’t get many tips.
P.S. Happy New Year.
Technorati Tags: Business, Communication, Persuasion, Psychology, Sales
More words to avoid, or how to avoid an argument. November 27, 2006
A while ago I discussed some of the words to avoid in sales.
There are more of the same for any environment - particually management.
One particularly nasty version that I encounter often is:
Other person: “My idea is …”
Manager: “I Understand, But…”
It makes me just want to slap the manager in question.
Just in case it’s not apparent to you, dear reader, the manager has just insulted the other person (you’ll often hear it with the manager cutting the other person off mid statement), and then ignoring everything that was just said to restate their own agenda.
Just imagine for the moment that you’re the other person and was responded to in this way. What is your response? Chances are you’ll restate your initial idea, and then the manager will restate theirs. Back and forth we go, usually to end in anger, frustration and a degrading relationship.
But, (that word is useful when used purposefully) there are some simple changes that can be made in the managers (or your own) response that will ensure the communication and relationship continues.
First replace the ‘understand’ with ‘respect’, ‘appreciate’ or ‘agree’.
Second replace the ‘but’ with ‘and’.
Going through that same conversation again:
Other person: “My idea is …”
Manager: “I appreciate that and …”
Nothing else needs to be different and suddenly the communication is very different.
If you have read more of my writing, you will know that this is not just limited to managers. You can use this with angry customers, upset friends and even family members to defuse a conflict.
Technorati Tags: Business, Change, Communication, Management, Negotiation, Persuasion, Psychology
Do you know the easiest ways to annoy someone? November 15, 2006
Do you know the easiest way to make someone comfortable?
In any personal interaction the distance between the other person has a dramatic effect on their feelings and sense of safety.
Take for example a door to door salesmen. If you open the door to a salesman, and they move towards you, and put a foot against the door, how do you feel? Alternatively if they step back when you open the door how do you feel? I’m fairly sure you will be like anyone else and stepping back will instantly reduces the threat the salesman caused by arriving unannounced. May not remove it, but defiantly better than stepping forward. This means, you move from a stressful state, into a more comfortable state, while looking at the salesman’s face.
On the opposite side of the scale, pets have a special place in our life. They can, with almost complete immunity, literally walk all over us. We allow them into our intimate space.
The distances where people are comfortable changes dramatically between culture, race, gender, and even city. In most of the English speaking world, these distances are roughly the same. The intimate zone is touching the body, out to about 20-30 centimetres. Social contact is most comfortable between 30cm and under a meter.
These distances change regularly during the day. For example, stepping into a full lift the distances are altered. Notice, that in the western world the lift will fill until the maximum amount of people can enter without touching.
To have an experience of these distances, visit a clothing store and ask for assistance to try things on. When talking to the sales assistant stand over two meters away. They will naturally move towards you, which will force you to move away again. They will (in most cases) chase you around the store. Resist your natural tendency to allow them to approach. After a few minutes, reverse your behaviour and stand almost toe to toe. This will be uncomfortable for you (and them), and now you will chase them around the store.
(Cautionary note: This will create tension in the interaction. In some cases this might be considered sexual tension when done with the opposite sex, and sometimes the same sex. The reason for this is that this game of pushing in and pulling away just happens to be played by courting couples as they become more comfortable with each other and grant access into their Intimate Zone. Given that caution I actively encourage you to do all the experiments I suggest - the information I offer is worthless without direct experience to understand what it means for you.)
You can also do this while in a lift. Stand in different corners. Stand closer to someone else in the lift. Stand in the centre. Stand right at the doors. Notice what the other people do.
There is much more to explore with this topic. Like how to instantly get attention, make people more comfortable with you, and how to break off a conversation. Feel free to share some of your own experiences!
Technorati Tags: Business, CEO, Communication, Leadership, Management, Negotiation, Persuasion, Presenting, Psychology
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