More stress is better! July 9, 2009
Day to day, I train people to do new things.
Every day is different, and yet every day I’m helping someone break out of their comfort zone, expand their boundaries, learn and grow.
All across the internet you can find articles, posts and comments about how to overcome stress. Thing is, stress is good! The more stress the better!
Well, there is an upper limit. Too much stress can and does kill. As long as you handle the stress, the more the merrier.
Take for example the Olympics. Most, if not all of the world records set are set when the Olympics are on. Combined with the world championship, very few happen elsewhere. Even the athletes so called ‘personal best’ is usually broken when under the pressure of the final. Why is this?
One reason is that stress expands capacity. If you were a body builder and only ever lifter 1kg weights, you’ll rarely reach your full potential. Only when you lift more than before, stretch beyond your best, reach further than before, step outside your comfort zone, add extra stress to your performance do you get better.
Push past your comfort zone regularly. Don’t do it continuously, that’s a sure way to burnout! But push yourself, respond to the demand then relax. The more you can do this, the faster and better you’ll get…
Heritics, questioners, coaches and agents of change June 24, 2009
We’re almost never wanted, but critical to the success of any group.
We’re the court jester – the only person in the whole court that can call the king (or anyone else) a fool.
We’re the questioner – asking the stupid question that have stupidly profound answers.
We’re the provoker – helping (sometimes hindering) other people ideas meet reality.
We’re the objectors – standing up for our and other people’s ideals.
We’re the sword – cutting the knots people and groups tie themselves in.
We’re the outcasts – Outside looking in, offering those inside a different perspective.
We’re the condemned and cursed – For asking the questions, making the comments, and doing what every group needs.
We’re the aliens – Doing and saying things others find strange.
We’re the black sheep – producing wool that others can’t.
The real difficulty in doing this is not that we do, but when and how we do it. We are needed in every group, tribe, culture or society – we are the ones that notice the emperor is naked. Some groups and people embrace us, others reject us, but they all need us.
In case you haven’t guessed, I’ve done much thinking, talking and teaching around this exact point. One example is right here.
Are you a Heritic? A questioner? A coach? An agent of change? Comment below!
Quick and easy stress relief June 11, 2009
I’ve been teaching this one stress management method for many years. A technique
The method is simple, whenever you want a quick way to relax; sigh. Take a deep breath in and sigh audibly. Your body remembers when you sigh normally, and will respond accordingly. If you do it right now, while you read, notice how your shoulders relax as you sigh. Interesting, isn’t it?
P.S. Of course, if you know me at all, you’ll know I don’t care much for ’scientifically proven’ methods. As long as it works for you, who cares if it works for anyone else?
Accept the events you cannot control April 20, 2009
And that was just the day to day work – it says nothing of the occasional angry and abusive interactions I’d have with other people. One particular memorable occurrence, not long before I finally snapped, is one of the database admins storming up to my desk within minutes of my arrival.
“Why haven’t you done the changes I’ve asked for?” He demanded.
“What, no hello?” Too early and I’d not yet had my morning coffee.
He looked at me as if I was the only one with the bad attitude. “I put the changes through weeks ago, they are still not done!”
“Ok, slow down. Which changes specifically?” Yes, I talked like that even way back then.
“Don’t give me that, you know the ones I’m asking about.”
I was tired from another late night, lacked caffeine, had not yet read my list of important outstanding tasks and this fellow was acting as if my job revolved around him. I rubbed my forehead.
“I don’t.” I replied, attempting to calm him down some, but it was the wrong thing to say.
“Don’t give me that!” He yelled, “This is the second time I’ve come to remind you.”
Now I didn’t recall the first time, I’d forgotten other things in recent weeks. “Did you send me an email last time?” I asked calmly.
“No! You said you’d take care of it.” He replied indignantly.
“Send me an email and I’ll get to it.” I said turning to my monitor and put on a pair of headphones. He stood for a few seconds with him mouth open and then stormed off in a huff.
This story shows two sides of the same coin. One side is me not taking on someone elses responsibility, the other is the DBA being emotionally attached to and effected by my lack of attentiveness.
Both of us describe one key aspect of being in control of your stress. And that key is accepting events that are outside of your control.
For example, no matter how hard you try, you can’t control another human (or even pet)! You can influence them, ask them, plead, yell, scream and complain, but you can’t control them. That database admin would have loved to control me; instead I just made his life more difficult and stressful.
You can control your own thoughts, emotions, choices, influence and behaviour. You can’t control consequences of your actions, other people’s reaction, or the responses to your influence. That DBA had no idea I’d respond the way I did, and wasn’t able to keep himself calm.
If you are trying to control things out of your control you begin to feel directly responsible for other people’s actions. You are constantly trapped thinking their actions are your responsibility, but having no ability to change their behaviour. This is a sure path to a short and stressful life.
That’s all well and good, but how do we let these things go? There is an aspect of artistry to this act: How much do we change ourselves, and how much do we change the world?
Primarily it’s a mental shift and difficult to teach directly. To get that mental shift, the easiest way (at least to start) is to focus entirely on exactly the things you can control. I.e., yourself.
With practice, you can change your emotional responses directly. You can only ever change other people’s emotional responses via influence. The main way we influence anyone is verbally (at least in the beginning). If you could only talk, what would you say to get the result you wanted from someone else? How do you respond? Think about the story above, what would you have done as the DBA to get me to respond differently? (Some tips: I don’t respond to threats, yelling or whining. I sometimes respond to bribes, begging and pleading.) Write your responses in the comments below – there are no incorrect (or even correct) responses, so feel free.
The next step, once you achieve this mental shift, is to fully appreciate that your emotions can be directly seen and experienced by the person you’re speaking to. Being in control of your own emotional response dramatically improves your influence! But I’ll leave details for how to do that for a later date.
P.S. If the DBA in the story happens to be reading this, I hope he accepts my sincere apologies.
How to keep a positive attitude March 19, 2009
Sometimes life gives us lemons. As the old saying goes; make lemonade. While it’s easy to say that while you look at a table overflowing with lemons, it’s sometimes hard to think of making lemonade.
The main asset in remembering to make lemonade is keeping a positive attitude. Regardless of the stress of the situation if you keep a positive attitude you can get better results.
Keeping that positive attitude under difficult situations might be a challenge. Actually, because of today’s busy lifestyle constantly trying to throw us off balance, it might be easier to think of it as regaining or recovering our lost positive attitude. Here are a few tips that can keep help.
1. Say thank you. You, like me, might remember a birthday where your parents didn’t give you the present you wanted, but instead wrapped up underwear and socks. For added embarrassment, you opened all your presents while family and friends looked on. Even though this wasn’t much of a gift, or you didn’t get what you truly wanted, you still say ‘thankyou’.
When you say ‘thankyou’ you don’t have to accept the ‘gift’.
When you say ‘thankyou’ your mind (thanks to years of training) begins to think of how and where to use this gift.
2. Smile for no reason. This releases ‘feel good’ chemicals that, well, make us feel good.
Make others smile and laugh. This in turn naturally makes us smile. If you don’t believe me, walk down a street and smile at the strangers walking towards you. Most of those that notice will smile in return. Even in the most unfriendly cities you’ll still get some responses.
And even if you fake a laugh, this usually becomes funny in itself. Try it yourself with a friend.
3. Forgive others. Forgiveness is a funny thing. It is never about the other person. It’s never about you accepting that what was done to you is ok. It’s not even about making the other person feel better or stopping punishing them (when really it’s just punishing yourself). Forgiveness is simply about allowing you to release the attachment you have to a past event.
4. Hang around positive people. That doesn’t mean dropping all your negative friends, just limiting the time you spend around them. If you only know negative people, you need new friends!
5. Focus on the positive. That doesn’t mean ignoring the negative, just not reliving the negative. At the end of the meeting or day, remember what was good.
If you must focus on the negative, set a short time limit and do it with 100% commitment. No more than 10 minutes is ever needed.
6. Talk to yourself in positive terms. Harder than it sounds, but as a quick introduction start with eliminating the words: can’t, won’t, should, but, try. You will be more positive by simply removing these words.
Personally, when the world gives me lemons, I make margaritas. The best margaritas are made with lime, but when all you have is lemons…
Simple non-verbal communication changes get massive response January 29, 2009
Late last year I spent the week training in
But this post is not about how good
Let me give you an example. The class contained only Koreans. Their primary language is Korean. English is a distant second (or third or fourth!) So on the first day when I asked a question, I would get no response. The first question I asked? “Can everyone speak English?” The response; silence.
Two days later, we are having an interaction, a conversation. Their English is ok. Not perfect but perfectly understandable. They are (and were able to) on the first day understand me. What changed them from silent attention to asking questions?
One specific non-verbal behavioural change on my part.
I play with things – all the time. If I’m not, then I’m thinking about how to. I also test, constantly. I try things in new ways, use tools where they are not meant to be used, push boundaries and edges. Doing so keeps me interested and learning. This is play.
So after lunch on day two, I started playing with facial expressions. Normally, I smile a lot – but I decided to stop and freeze my facial expression. Suddenly the students started asking questions. Confused, I slipped back into my regular smiling and they lost interest with my answers and didn’t ask more. It was like turning on a switch. Freezing my face induced more questions. Back and forth it went.
One ’simple’ change and my results change. What simple thing can you change in yourself to get different results?
Meeting the objections in meetings May 20, 2008
Part of the work I’m passionate about is helping teams work better together. Some time ago I was working with an IT company that had a great team, “…if only Peter wouldn’t shoot down every idea.” (Once again, names are changed to protect the guilty.)
So there I am, Tuesday morning, watching my first meeting. I don’t remember what they were talking about specifically, but it had something to do with a client problem.
Someone offers a suggestion for a solution, and Peter immediately jumps in and says that it won’t work because of this, this and this.
Everyone at the table rolls their eyes. They’d been through this before. Yet I’m fascinated that someone could come up with so many examples of why it wouldn’t work so fast (and this guy was fast!)
This cycle goes on for a bit. Problem, suggested solution, Peter shooting it down in flames.
After about the fifth iteration I jump in and thank Peter for his input. This shocks him as he’s treated like, and acts like an outcast. I don’t think he’d ever been thanked for shooting down other people ideas. Then I go on to say that his comments are not just important, but critical to success. Now I have the entire table shocked.
I continue to Peter, “And, you’re jumping in too soon. You need to allow the potential solutions that are being offered to be fully formed before you offer your feedback. Hold off until they’ve finished their entire suggestion, or to put it another way, give them enough rope to hang themselves. ” Peter smiles at this. Everyone else was too shocked to comment.
Still, the rest of the meeting, Peter is responding differently, taking his time, allowing a solution to be presented and he would point out a specific problem, with only part of the solution (and thus improving the eventual solution). The team is suddenly more effective. And after a few more subtle changes to do with accountability, they are working together nicely.
Many meetings have this issue; Not a Peter, but a disorganised sequence.
Just like calling someone on the phone, you have to type in the right sequence of numbers to get the person you want. It’s the same with meetings. With the right meeting sequence, you can have a meeting achieve agreement in much less time (and have influence over which side that agreement is on), reach decisions faster, and best of all, shorten the length of the meeting!
How do you make decisions? March 18, 2008
If you are like most people, you don’t know the process you go through to make a decision. It happens quickly, naturally, and without our awareness.
The easiest ways to discover how you make a decision, is to take 4 of your friends out to dinner.
When you are handed a menu, place it closed in front of you and watch your friends. Notice how one might ask what someone else is going to have. Notice another might read through every item. Another might glance at the menu and close it. The fourth will do something different.
Once they have made their choice, pick on one of your friends with these questions. (I’ll leave the decision of which one to pick up to you, but if you’ve worked with me before, you’ll know my selection criteria).
“What have you chosen?” Listen closely to the answer. They will likely tell you everything about their decision process. Once they finish, ask:
“What made you choose that?” And again listen to their answer.
If you’re lucky, they’ll say something like “I looked through the menu till I found the dish I had before,” or “I opened the menu and picked the first thing I noticed.” If you’re unlucky, they’ll give you a long rambling story about their childhood. Both will tell you how they made that decision.
Now comes the real challenge. Pick up your menu and use their method to choose food for yourself. This doesn’t mean choose the same dish (although you might). If they choose something they have had before, then you do the same. If they choose the first thing they see, do the same.
Doing this can give you a powerful insight into your own decision method (and might have you eating something new – always a bonus!).
So after doing this, what does that get you?
- It gives you skills to notice someone else’s decision method. This in itself is useful for sales, negotiation, business or making your partner happy because if you know how someone makes a decision, simply give them the information they need to make the decision you want.
- You get insight into your own process. Even though you are only choosing what to eat, the chances are this is the same process you go through to pick a car, house, shoes or a pen.
- You now have another way to make a choice. Chances are you may not like this new method – thats ok, you don’t have to use it. You can keep it in your back pocket when you want a change, or are faced with a very difficult decision.
Notice how the people around you make decisions. Notice how you make your own decisions.
Technorati Tags: Business, CEO, Decisions, Group Dynamics, Learning, Management, Motivation, Negotiation, Persuasion, Psychology, Sales
The reason to control stress February 12, 2008
Stress may be triggered by external events such as having a short timeframe, being yelled at by a customer, or giving an important presentation. It is your interpretation of the event or situation that will ultimately cause you to feel the mental and physical stress or anxiety.
Now, not all stress is bad stress. Stress is a part of everyday life. In the right amount, stress helps you focus better and achieve what you want. Stress can help you be more alert, motivated, and gain a competitive edge. However, non-stop stress is debilitating and will interfere with performance. In the worst situations, it can even kill you!
Stress occurs as a response to an event that you view as threatening. Imagine driving your car at 200 KPH on a windy road. Under the right amount of stress, you switch on your full potential. Under too much stress you crack under the pressure.
The sooner you can recognize the signs stress, the faster you can react and keep in under control.
So, how do you know when you need to hit the kill switch on stress?
There are three main areas where changes can occur under stress: (1) Physical, (2) Mental or Emotional, and (3) Behavioral.
Physical changes when under stress may include dry mouth, tense muscles, pounding heart rate, cold or clammy hands, headache, sweating, and a feeling of butterflies in the stomach. You probably feel these to some extent if you have an important presentation. These are the signs that your body is ready for the challenge.
Mentally you feel stress when you begin to worry excessively about results, make poor decisions, have a limited attention span, make mental errors, and are forgetful.
Other behavior signs of stress include talking faster than normal, biting one’s nails, restlessness, hyperactivity, insomnia, distractibility, and trembling.
By themselves, these signs may not even slow you down. These signs can stay around, and compound. This starts a chronic stress situation, you will seem tired, restless, and feel out of control. If this continues, more problematic physical issues might start.
The important lesson is that you can learn when helpful stress turns into harmful stress and be able to cope effectively. Bring that harmful stress back under control and be able to perform at your best. The key for you is to be aware of these signs and make the adjustments needed when you feel anxiety, tension, or stress. You can learn the skills needed to keep the balance, relax when you want, and stop the overwhelming stress.
If you’d like to know more, you can join in the survey, and then read more about stress reduction methods.
Technorati Tags: Business, Change, Psychology, Stress
Ultimate question of team management November 13, 2007
If you are a leader, then this is the simplest question that will get you the best results to keep your teams working well together. Ask it, and your team will love you. Skip it and you might never know about how bad the team is.
Did you hire the right person?
In February 2007 a manager asked me for some advice. A few weeks prior he had hired a new person and thought they were a great fit into the office. Even though this new person was hired to take the pressure off, it didn’t seem to make any difference. The manager was asking me how he could update the procedures to make things work more efficiently. As usual, I asked him a question in response, “What do your team members say?”
“I don’t know,” He replied. “I’ve not asked them.”
I looked at him, he stared back. Then he got up and started asking people in the office. Five minutes later he returned with the answer. The new guy was just not working out.
Ask this question when you add a new person to your team. This question will quickly identify if the new person fits within the team, is disruptive, supportive, negative or positive for the team. The question will allow you to find out if you made the right decision in hiring the new person faster than any other method I know. Discover if they really can integrate into and improve the group dynamics.
Use it as a pressure gauge
Ask the question at least once a week as a gauge on how well the team is working together. Ask it of different people within the group – as each person will have a different answer. With each answer, you’ll be able to build a complete picture of the social dynamics within the team.
Build a complete picture of your Group Dynamics
It is a very simple question with many many answers. Each time you ask the question, the answers will be different. Ask it when the group is under pressure, ask it when they have free time. Ask when a new person joins the team or when someone leaves.
I know I’ve labored the point somewhat, but I don’t think I can express any better how important this question is to running an effective team. The question can be asked in any form, but the most common is:
“What do you think about [insert the name of another member of the team]?”
Encourage their self interest
Make it clear when you ask the question, that you want their personal opinion. Some will tell you that so-and-so is disruptive, argumentative and difficult to deal with. This information is pure gold! If everyone in the team says the same, you may well have a problem. If only one person says it, you have something different.
Ask them all!
In July of 2007 I had one manager almost destroy his team by asking this question only to one member. The team saw this, and reacted like most people – by ostracizing the ’snitch’. The team started having secret meetings and private email communications. Make sure you ask every member of the team, about every other member of the team. If you skip one, you run the risk of causing a similar situation.
Technorati Tags: Business, CEO, Change, Communication, Group Dynamics, Leadership, Management, Productivity, Team building
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