Can you control your emotions? December 22, 2009
An easy question to answer – it depends…
Being in control of your emotions does not mean you can’t get angry, upset, sad or even happy. It means you have choice of what emotion you feel when.
At least in the western world, ‘emotional control’ often implies no emotion at all. A robot.
The opposite side of this is the person who is a rudderless boat under full sail in an emotional storm. Every event they have a full emotional response to. Very young kids are often like this.
For an aduly, both are just as bad as the other.
Part of the reason for this is there is a prevailing idea that emotions are out of our control. Many times you’ll read an article or listen to someone speak and notice the underlying current that because someone has emotional control, they are somewhat special, or somewhat alien. In reality they are special like someone with a ham sandwich is special – anyone can get a ham sandwich if they put the effort in.
With your friends, they are used to your emotional responses, be they high, low or inbetween. When interacting with someone new, the amount of emotion you can display changes with the person you’re speaking with. For example, in general if you’re speaking to Japanese, emotional outbursts will damage your credibility (or worse). Not enough emotion when speaking to others will achieve the same result.
The trick is to always know yourself first, and then the person you’re speaking to.
Self deception is good? December 3, 2009
I’ve been investigating lies and lying of late (in case you didn’t notice the other posts). In doing so I discovered some very interesting research on self-deception.
Such interesting research that it fits into many different areas. From life, sports, business and other pursuits. And the research hints at top performers often ’self-deceive’ more than others.
Psychologist by the name of Joanna Starek discovered that swimmers who lie to themselves swim faster than those who do not. (Link to the research).
The document hints at much of the other evidence out there that ’self-deception’ helps with stress, depression, happiness, and more.
Above all, this shows that the ability to focus on your goal, ignoring any other information that goes against that goal, makes it more likely to reach your goal.
So what do you think? Is self-deception needed for success? Does it help at all from your perspective?
Thanks to Radiolab for the links.
Stage fright’s frightening solutions September 24, 2009
So I was reading a blog on some methods for dealing with stage fright. Most of them are basic methods I describe, teach and use. Things like practice and preparation. However one particular one shocked and angered me.
They suggested taking drugs.
And not just something you can get over the counter (not that all of those are harmless) but a prescribed drug. Prescribed for an unrelated physical illness.
It’s very bad advice for many reasons, not the least of which is taking off label drugs for a problem that can be solved quickly and permanently via others methods. This really makes me angry and I find it difficult to express my anger fully in text. Let me try with a metaphor.
If you’re driving your car one day, and all of a sudden the oil light comes on, what do you do? Do you ignore it, check the oil levels yourself, take it to a garage, or place a piece of duct tape over the light?
If you were a mechanic, and someone described to you their solution to a warning light on their Ferrari dashboard was to cover it with tape, how would you react? That’s probably pretty close to how I feel.
Do you think taking drugs is a valid solution to stage fright?
Fire-fighting and stress September 3, 2009
Problems occur regularly. Every single problem that occurs adds to your stress. Some people are able to anticipate these events, and prepare contingences. If you’re good at this, great, keep doing it! If not, you the following few tips might well help.
The best sequence to run through when your schedule has suddenly been ruined by an unforeseen problem is as follows
1. Stop and take a breath. Allow the initial biological effects of the shock and stress to recede. Take time to think.
2. Write down the problem before taking any action. This gives you extra time to breathe and will make sure that the problem is not forgotten as you attempt to fix it. That may sound strange, but how often do we go off half prepared, stressing over something that isn’t a real problem?
3. Get the facts of the problem. Just the facts you need to make the decisions now.
4. Delegate the tasks to achieve a solution where possible.
5. Develop a system to effectively deal with this problem in future. Recurring problems should be dealt with once, twice at most. After the second time, your should not have to deal with it again. When I was working as a technical consultant, I was what I call productively lazy. I would spend a week working to ensure I’d never have to spend another hour fixing an ongoing problem. Get productively lazy!
How to get an hour of free time August 26, 2009
If you have an office, and are constantly interrupted throughout the day, there is a simple thing you can do to get an hour or two uninterrupted.
Yes, an open door policy works well and can be good, however, it can distract and derail your thinking.
Invest in a $2 “Do Not Disturb” sign. While this does not always work, with training, the people in your office will get the message. You can also add a “Will return at X O’clock”.
Let everyone that visits the office know what you’re doing, and why.
Then be consistent. For example every three to four pm be unavailable. It might take a little time, but soon everyone will know you’re unavailable during those times.
When stressed, your brain stops. August 20, 2009
For many years I’ve been using this idea. And not just that the brain stops, but under ongoing stress, we become less likely to be able to make good decisions and de-stress ourselves. Another way to describe this is: The path to burnout. We become so stressed over time that we can’t think of any solutions. This is the exact situation I found myself in years ago.
Now there is some research that shows that when we are stressed, the brain changes in ways that keep us stressed! In short the researched shows that under chronic stress, the rats stopped making their usual decisions. Instead relying on their last choice – even when it didn’t serve.
I’ve seen this behaviour many times in the people I work with. They are so stressed, they miss vital information. This vital information is often in the form of feedback from the world in relation to their decisions. This feedback is not taken as information for a new decision but instead feeds straight into the stress. Increasing our stress and thus making our decisions even less useful. A vicious cycle. And the people I work with keep doing the same things that cause their stress at the same time they are unable to think of a way out.
As I’ve said many times before, if you’re trying to change your stress while under stress you’re fighting an uphill battle. First you need to catch a breath, make some space, or just take a break. Then you can learn and train the skills needed to keep that stress managed.
So here is the test: If you think you can’t make the decision to take a break or you don’t know how to take a break, you’re too stressed to make that choice! Your biology is working against you. If that’s the case, take a break RIGHT NOW. Stop what you’re doing and go for a 5 minute walk outside. It doesn’t matter if you’re in your pyjamas, or that it’s raining or snowing outside. Go for the walk, you need it more than another 5 minutes surfing the web.
Link to the research.
Link to the NY Times write up.
Stress can happen anytime. Are you ready? July 14, 2009
Last Sunday evening and Monday morning were very stressful for me.
A friend of mine was getting married on the Sunday. This is stressful for the bride, groom, wedding party, parents and maybe the ex’s. This wasn’t at all stressful for me. It was a very beautiful ceremony and I was proud and honored to be there. The stress started once I left.
I needed to fly to Perth from Sydney. I needed to leave Sunday night for several reasons. First because Sydney closes their airport between 10pm and 6am on Sunday. Second because to leave in the morning the 4+ hour flight time to Perth doesn’t get me there till after 9am when I was due to start training.
My Sunday flight leaves at 7:20pm. That means I need to get there, absolute latest at 6:55. I leave the wedding at 6:00 thinking with 5 minutes to get a cab and a 20 minute ride, I have plenty of time.
Little did I know how difficult that would be.
First off, there seemed to be that every taxi either ignored me, or were already busy, driving right by. For 30 minutes I stood in the cold wind trying to flag down a cab, getting more and more concerned about missing my flight.
I was constantly re-assuring myself that I still have time, that it’ll all be ok. That I’ll get the flight.
Finally, at 6:30, I get in a cab. We have a brief talk and he, being local and a taxi driver, that we ‘might just make it’. I’m reassured by this for about 3 minutes before I start fretting again. For twenty five minutes I flip between being relaxed and enjoying the drive to tense anxiety of missing my flight. I breathe, relax, and calm myself after every wave of anxiety.
I arrive just as the news on the radio starts. 6:00 pm. “Might just make it” I think…
I enter the terminal to find sets of lines in front of every counter. Bolstered by my anxiety I stroll past everyone in the first class line straight to the next available attendant.
“I hope I’m can still get on the Perth flight,” I say.
The attendant types a few keys. “No. The flight closed,” he looks at his watch, “10 minutes ago.” My heart sinks. He thinks for a moment and then looks at my usual giant check in luggage.
(In hindsight, this might have been an opportunity for me to get on the flight, leaving my luggage behind (and shipped the following day) I didn’t ask if that was possible because in that instant I was more focused on me rather than the attendant.)
“Is there any chance I can get on the flight?” I ask hopefully.
“None. The system is all automatic, it’s closed.” He replies.
“No chance at all?” I ask for the third time. Third time’s a charm, as they say, and usually is.
“None. Sorry. Let me see if there is a later flight.” I wait, knowing full well that my flight is still filling and that the next flight is tomorrow morning. I still hope I can get on this plane. “The next flight is ten past six tomorrow morning. You’ll have to talk to our sales desk to get it changed.”
I sigh. Then smile and thank the attendant. Walking to the sales desk I scold myself in frustration and anger. This is short lived as I sigh again, this time loudly. I shake my arms and legs as I wait in line at the sales desk flicking off the nervous energy I generated during the taxi ride.
At the sales desk, thankfully, there are 2 seats left for the flight. I hand over my credit card and head back to another taxi.
When I get home, I make a bunch of phone calls, booking another taxi for the morning, calling the hotel I was going to be arriving at in about 5 hours time, calling the organisers for the week to let them know I’ll be late. I then spend another few minutes laughing and moving around the house while I think of the situation. This burns off the last of the remaining negative emotion and energy of the last ninety minutes.
I sleep fitfully, waking several times to look at the clock to make sure I’ve not overslept. Each time I do, I remind myself to relax, sleep fully and with pleasant dreams until 5 am. I’m still out of bed 10 minutes before the alarm.
I shower, shave, get dressed, repack into carry on luggage and prepare for the taxi. I’m relaxed and resigned to arriving at the training late.
That’s when I notice an SMS from the cab company. Taxi has been waiting for 5 minutes. I look out, but don’t see it. My heart skips a beat as I realise it probably waited for a few minutes, then left.
I call the cab company to find out what happened. They call me back a few minutes later to say there was a problem with the cab. Time is now 5:15 and my anxiety starts to rise. I have a 10 minute taxi ride from home to the airport and 25 minutes to get there. “Still plenty of time” I say to myself as I pace up and down the footpath waiting.
“The taxi says they are 15 minutes away,” The cab operator tells me.
“That’s going to be too late,” I say. “Contact other another taxi as well for me, please. Call me back with details.”
Time ticks slowly past 5:20. Then 5:21. Then 5:22. My anxiety is now high in my chest. I can feel my heart pushing against my ribs, and then my phone rings.
“Yes?”
“The driver tells me he’s less than two minutes away.” The taxi operator says.
“He’d better be,” I say with as much mirth as I can before hanging up.
True to their word, the cab arrives 2 minutes later. Time is now 5:25, and we’re pushing it. The cabbie is apologetic, but does his best to get me there on time.
By luck or intent, we catch every single green light. I know, I counted. We arrive at the airport at exactly 5:38. I grab my carry on bags and race to the counter. On the way I pause to use the automatic check in. This fails to work, giving me an error that was probably along the lines of ‘flight closed’. To be honest I didn’t take any notice, but again rushed to the start of the first class queue.
“I’m hoping, again, to get on the Perth flight.” As I say with deep concern that I again missed the flight.
Tap. Tap. Tap. “Any baggage to check?”
At this point I feel my shoulders release and my face slacken, I made it! “No.” I reply.
I made it. Just. After 2 minutes getting through the security check, and another 3 to walk to the gate I arrive to find the gate open and a line forming. I sigh, relaxing.
Stress can happen any time. If I had not, prior to this event, practiced the various methods of stress reduction I used, it’s unlikely I would have been able to keep my stress from overwhelming me.
I practice these things when I don’t need them, so when I do need them they are available. Practice like your life depends on it – because it usually does. My Sunday night, Monday morning and the rest of the week would have been vastly different if I didn’t.
What do you practice?
Heritics, questioners, coaches and agents of change June 24, 2009
We’re almost never wanted, but critical to the success of any group.
We’re the court jester – the only person in the whole court that can call the king (or anyone else) a fool.
We’re the questioner – asking the stupid question that have stupidly profound answers.
We’re the provoker – helping (sometimes hindering) other people ideas meet reality.
We’re the objectors – standing up for our and other people’s ideals.
We’re the sword – cutting the knots people and groups tie themselves in.
We’re the outcasts – Outside looking in, offering those inside a different perspective.
We’re the condemned and cursed – For asking the questions, making the comments, and doing what every group needs.
We’re the aliens – Doing and saying things others find strange.
We’re the black sheep – producing wool that others can’t.
The real difficulty in doing this is not that we do, but when and how we do it. We are needed in every group, tribe, culture or society – we are the ones that notice the emperor is naked. Some groups and people embrace us, others reject us, but they all need us.
In case you haven’t guessed, I’ve done much thinking, talking and teaching around this exact point. One example is right here.
Are you a Heritic? A questioner? A coach? An agent of change? Comment below!
Quick and easy stress relief June 11, 2009
I’ve been teaching this one stress management method for many years. A technique
The method is simple, whenever you want a quick way to relax; sigh. Take a deep breath in and sigh audibly. Your body remembers when you sigh normally, and will respond accordingly. If you do it right now, while you read, notice how your shoulders relax as you sigh. Interesting, isn’t it?
P.S. Of course, if you know me at all, you’ll know I don’t care much for ’scientifically proven’ methods. As long as it works for you, who cares if it works for anyone else?
Accept the events you cannot control April 20, 2009
And that was just the day to day work – it says nothing of the occasional angry and abusive interactions I’d have with other people. One particular memorable occurrence, not long before I finally snapped, is one of the database admins storming up to my desk within minutes of my arrival.
“Why haven’t you done the changes I’ve asked for?” He demanded.
“What, no hello?” Too early and I’d not yet had my morning coffee.
He looked at me as if I was the only one with the bad attitude. “I put the changes through weeks ago, they are still not done!”
“Ok, slow down. Which changes specifically?” Yes, I talked like that even way back then.
“Don’t give me that, you know the ones I’m asking about.”
I was tired from another late night, lacked caffeine, had not yet read my list of important outstanding tasks and this fellow was acting as if my job revolved around him. I rubbed my forehead.
“I don’t.” I replied, attempting to calm him down some, but it was the wrong thing to say.
“Don’t give me that!” He yelled, “This is the second time I’ve come to remind you.”
Now I didn’t recall the first time, I’d forgotten other things in recent weeks. “Did you send me an email last time?” I asked calmly.
“No! You said you’d take care of it.” He replied indignantly.
“Send me an email and I’ll get to it.” I said turning to my monitor and put on a pair of headphones. He stood for a few seconds with him mouth open and then stormed off in a huff.
This story shows two sides of the same coin. One side is me not taking on someone elses responsibility, the other is the DBA being emotionally attached to and effected by my lack of attentiveness.
Both of us describe one key aspect of being in control of your stress. And that key is accepting events that are outside of your control.
For example, no matter how hard you try, you can’t control another human (or even pet)! You can influence them, ask them, plead, yell, scream and complain, but you can’t control them. That database admin would have loved to control me; instead I just made his life more difficult and stressful.
You can control your own thoughts, emotions, choices, influence and behaviour. You can’t control consequences of your actions, other people’s reaction, or the responses to your influence. That DBA had no idea I’d respond the way I did, and wasn’t able to keep himself calm.
If you are trying to control things out of your control you begin to feel directly responsible for other people’s actions. You are constantly trapped thinking their actions are your responsibility, but having no ability to change their behaviour. This is a sure path to a short and stressful life.
That’s all well and good, but how do we let these things go? There is an aspect of artistry to this act: How much do we change ourselves, and how much do we change the world?
Primarily it’s a mental shift and difficult to teach directly. To get that mental shift, the easiest way (at least to start) is to focus entirely on exactly the things you can control. I.e., yourself.
With practice, you can change your emotional responses directly. You can only ever change other people’s emotional responses via influence. The main way we influence anyone is verbally (at least in the beginning). If you could only talk, what would you say to get the result you wanted from someone else? How do you respond? Think about the story above, what would you have done as the DBA to get me to respond differently? (Some tips: I don’t respond to threats, yelling or whining. I sometimes respond to bribes, begging and pleading.) Write your responses in the comments below – there are no incorrect (or even correct) responses, so feel free.
The next step, once you achieve this mental shift, is to fully appreciate that your emotions can be directly seen and experienced by the person you’re speaking to. Being in control of your own emotional response dramatically improves your influence! But I’ll leave details for how to do that for a later date.
P.S. If the DBA in the story happens to be reading this, I hope he accepts my sincere apologies.
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